Grief Project.

Hi all!

I'm working on a little project that deals with grief, and I'm wondering if any readers out there would like to be involved.

It's not depressing, cross my heart!

I'm specifically looking for those who have experienced the *death of:

an infant (including through miscarriage)
an older child (toddler-adult)
a spouse
a sibling
a parent
a close friend
a fiancé
a close pet

*death could be from natural causes, illness, accident, suicide, unknown causes etc.

If you've experienced significant loss through death, and would like to help me with this project by answering just a couple of simple questions anonymously via email, please either comment below with your email address, or email me at natalienorton{at}gmail{dot}com.

Email subject: grief project and the type of loss you've experienced so I can categorize them in my email easily. For example, "Grief Project: infant, 10 weeks old" or "Grief Project: sibling, 21 years old" or "Grief Project: ectopic pregnancy."

Feel free to spread the word. :)

I love you.

xx.

N

got questions?

f a to the q.

to avoid answering duplicate emails of all varieties,
I'm going to add a faq section to the new blog.

Do you have questions you'd like to see included?

shout 'em out below.

they don't necessarily have to be photography related. . .
if I see the same question coming up frequently that's not
related to photography, I'll include it.

ready, set, go!

**post edited to include: please be as specific as possible so I'm sure to give you what you're looking for.**

**post also edited to include: some of these questions are related to GENERAL PHOTOGRAPHY. That kind of information will most likely not be included on the FAQ as it is not specific to me, my business, how I personally shoot (and can easily be found through our friend google). If you ask a question of the more "general photography" nature, while I may not include it in the faq, I would be glad to consider it for future posts for Digital Photography School where I also write.

happy birthday cardon my boy.

"I love you bigger than the whole wide world!
I love you infinity times nonstop!"

xx.

Mommy

conversations.

Raleigh (6):

Mom, sometimes when I see pictures of the baby, I feel like I can't breathe.

Then we snuggle until we find something to giggle about.

_______________________________________

Raleigh:

Mom, are you going to have more babies?

Me:

Raleigh, I don't know.
What do you think?

Raleigh:

No.

Me:

OK. Why not?

Raleigh:

You know. . . because.

Me:

Raleigh, are you afraid if we have another baby
it might die too?

Raleigh:

silence.

Big huge snuggly hugs for WAY longer than average,
while amazingly comforting things
(that I do not think up on my own-they come from heaven)
come pouring out of my mouth.

Until the conversation
ends in smiles and a happy,
confident, faithful son.

.. .with knowing eyes and a spirit that's far beyond his years.

_______________________________

Cardon (4):

Daddy, when our baby died, did he disappear?

I snuggle him as tightly as possible,
and kiss his sweet head.
________________________________

Lincoln (3):

Mom! It's good our baby died,
because now we get to go to the beach all the time!

I laugh, heartily, with a lump in my throat.

_________________________________

Lincoln (3):

Crawls into bed with me in the wee hours of the morning
(they all do this almost every night: NEVER did before)

Mommy, I am sad baby Gavin died.

I'm INCREDIBLY relieved to see him opening up.

________________________________

in bed late at night
when Richie appears to be sleeping.

Me:

Richie?

Richie:

hmmmm.

Me:

Remember how our baby died?

Richie:

Yeah.

(pause)

That sucked.

Me:

That sucked.

Then of course, we giggle.
Because sometimes that feels more therapeutic than tears.

___________________________

all in all,
I'm learning, with complete confidence,
that our ability to cope with this kind of sorrow. . .
is a directly connected to our level of reliance on God.

He absolutely DOES guide our paths.

one foot in front of the other.

one moment at a time.

Thank you for continuing to think of us.

we love you.

Kahala Resort Wedding Photography.

Had so much fun with these two little lovelies.
I also really enjoyed shooting at the Kahala Resort!
The grounds are BEAUTIFUL!

enjoy.

teaser.

enjoying this right now.
a lot.

for those who know.

Sometimes this sickening feeling comes. . .

and I want to hide.

but you can't hide from real.

well, never for long enough. . .

The feeling is blank.
thick.
deep.
empty.

How can a heart be
both numb and raw in the same breath?

again,
I want to hide.

To curl up into a ball, close my eyes,
and wake up in a "different real."

anything.but.this.

and the kids are screaming.
all.the.time.

fighting the same battle as me,
but without the bearings that only arise
from age and unwanted experience.

I ache for us all.

Then a day will come and go.

and I'll think,
"We're adjusting well to this new world, this new normal."

Until a day comes and goes where we aren't.
adjusting well.

no, not at all.

. . .

I am never ashamed of how I feel.
the good.
the bad.
the terrifying.

it is all a part of the path.

This path, that though unmarked,
has been well traveled.

I hear the whisperings of those who know
all around me.

Guiding me on.

Reminding me that I do not walk this path alone.

We walk together.

And he who descended below all
is our guide.

In Him I place my hand,
and my heart.

"in him will I trust:
he is my shield,
and the horn of my salvation,
my high tower,
and my refuge,
my savior."

2 Samuel 22:3

PUBLISHED WEDDINGS of 2009.

The wedding of Glenn Howerton and Jill Latiano.

_________________________________

The wedding of Hunter and Jessica.

_________________________________

The wedding of Nick and Missy.

All the credit goes to God. Naturally.
And these beautiful couples. They make my job such an absolute JOY.
And of course Heather. Who I literally love like a sister.
And all the various assistants I've had along the way:
not getting into naming names because
I'd rather DIE than inadvertantly leave one of you out!

laugh out loud.

Just so you know,

I write it out:

"laugh out loud."

I use all the letters.
every.single.one.

I refuse to write that other thing.

I do not know why.

I don't necessarily mind it when other people do.

I just can't make myself do it . . .
even when what I have to say needs to be 140 characters or less.

back in the saddle.

It was great to get out shooting with this guy
(aka: Richie's man crush)
a couple of weeks ago in Waikiki.

Mike, Mike, Joanna. . .
I heart each of you to the moon and back.
It did my soul good to be with such quality friends.
xo. N

If you follow me on twitter, you may have seen this next shot earlier.

Totally shot through a trolley as it sped by.
All hail AI Servo!
absolutely my fave of the day.

NOTE FOR PHOTOGRAPHERS:

Whenever I shoot with Mike Colón, I shoot Jpeg. . . because he's the boss of me?? I have to tell you, I cannot duplicate the color quality of a well shot jpeg image (exposed properly with manual white balance) in post processing software. The above images have MINIMAL corrections in post (basically some very slight dodging and burning in a few shots, and all have been sharpened for web).

If you really want to get a handle on your business, literally from artistic vision, to business approach, to technical solidity, Mike Colón's workshop is a MUST. You'll absolutely thank me later.

3rd video down.

VOTING CLOSED
ALLISON WON!

please vote for bestie Allison.
3rd Video Down.

go HERE.

THIRD.VIDEO.DOWN.

"Inspire Me Mexico."

Allison, I want you to win like
I want to be off this blasted diet.

That's a LOT of wanting.

TRUST.YOU.ME.

for me.

this weekend,
for me. . .

give your heart.
your time.
your kisses.

and giggles.

lots and lots of giggles.
and the great big gasps of air that come with the territory.

give hugs,tickles,
and hops, skips and jumps.

offer praise.

forgive.

tell stories.
sing lullabies.

"you are my sunshine"
might be nice.

and definitely, definitely,
end the day with a
"happily ever after,"

and a prayer.

thank God that you've got them all
here in your day ins and outs.

thank him for you full arms. . . and heart.

You just don't know how blessed you really are.

Happy Valentines Day
my sweet Gavin Boy.

xx.

Mommy

I need an advil.

I need a pedicure.

and an Advil.

and definitely a massage.

and a house keeper. and a shoulder to cry on.
and a girlfriend to giggle with.
and a book to record my lunacy.
and to bring back the handkerchief so I never have mascara under my eyes.

and a hot dog with sauerkraut.

and a long walk on the beach.

and a skip in my step.
and a novel to lose myself over.

and a waistline.
that would also be nice.

for weston.

I have nothing left.
no more decorated words strung together in thoughtful eloquence.

only "please."

. . .

here I am again.

asking.

no.

begging.
pleading.

knowing, that soon,
I'll drive you all away by asking so very much.

incessantly.

but for Weston?

for Callie?
Jon?
Isaac, Ila, Ruby, Lulu?

there is no choice.
I would do anything.

ANYthing.

Weston was born with a heart condition called Tetralogy of Fallot.

and now,
Weston is at the PICU,
that same familiar PICU. . .
battling a severe case of RSV.

on top of a dangerous heart condition?

please just pray.

and pray.
and pray.

please. please. please.

please pray.

because Weston?
well, he's worth it.

_______________________________

Jon, Callie, Kids,

we love you.

with all our souls.

our prayers began before he was born
and will continue long after he is well and whole.

from hearts that know,
at least a little,

auntie nat, uncle richie
and boys

so grateful for the little while.

interestingly enough,
this was our favorite lullaby.

though,
I was admittedly always a bit disturbed by the second verse.

The other night dear,
as I lay sleeping,
I dreamed I held you in my arms.
When I awaken,
I was mistaken,
so I hung my head and I cried.

you'll always be my sunshine,
sweet, perfect boy.

you light my life in every.single.way.

always.

so grateful for the little while.

xx.

Mommy

not the first note of its kind.

we all think it's never going to happen.

"not in our home."

"not to our family."

I believed the same.

until I didn't.

until someone pulled out the rug,
and here I am.

cleaning house.

packing up booties, burp cloths and dreams . . .

_________________________________

Hi Natalie,

This is my first time ever commenting on a stranger's blog, but I want you to know how grateful I am for you. I, too, found your blog through a link shared by a friend. Your story and the way you write is deeply moving. I am not someone who cries often (not at my wedding or when my baby was born), but I found myself bawling as I pictured my 6 month old daughter going through what your Gavin went through.

I told my husband about your story and we discussed how grateful we are for our daughter and how precious our time with her is. Then this week my husband developed an intense cough and because of your story I made him (a man who hasn't been to a doctor in 7 years) go to a doctor. I think you can guess the diagnosis- pertussis.

I have never been so glad that I watched my baby girl get stuck in the leg by the DTaP needle. We are so lucky she was old enough to have been vaccinated before my husband contracted it. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being willing to share your story. I am not sure I could ever be so brave.

Carly

__________________________________

Post Script.
(because it's just so much fancier than PS)

my sweet forever friends came over Friday
and helped me sort through the rubble. . .

that was my life.

It was deeply emotional.
extraordinarily difficult.
and ultimately,

miraculously healing.


thank you girls.
I don't know what I would ever do without you.

dance to the light of the moon. . .

then hand in hand, on the edge of the sand, they danced in the light of the moon.

the moon.
the moon.

they danced in the light of the moon.

(From The Owl and the Pussycat.
Definitely a fave, read the full text here)

___________________________________

My Dearest Uncle Richie,

I love you.
There's no one I'd rather dance with. . .

on the sand.
in the light of the moon.

anywhere.

Happy Day my darling.

xx.

N

_______________________________

All,

Richie is not in fact my uncle.

I just call him that when he's being snazzy.

pet name.

Naturally.

'cause now's as good a time as ever.

because I figure now's as good a time as ever

to start posting pictures again. . .

felt like this set was a fitting place to start.

xo.

N

impossible. . . except that it's not.

Have you ever watched a caterpillar
form a chrysalis?

. . .

emerge a butterfly?

It is miraculous.

The caterpillar,
somehow,
creates this tiny sack. . .
and I mean tiiiiiiiiny compared to the ginormity
of his caterpillar body.

he seals his LARGE body inside.

It seems physically impossible.

probably because it is.

physically impossible.

the chrysalis sits.
and sits.
and sits.

all alone.

forgotten.

subject to wind and rain
and all kinds of natural elements that would seek its destruction.

then one day, up you look.
and there,
is this absolutely beautiful butterfly.

perfect in every.way.

utterly impossible. . .

except that it's not.
______________________________

Reminds me of something. . .

compressed.
squashed by the realities that are unique to a fallen world.

feeling utterly alone.

then one day,
out of what seems like nowhere,
we'll emerge.

beautiful butterflies.

What an awesome God he is.

__________________________

Post edited to include this beautiful thought from the comments.

"once heard a story about a little girl who asked her mother,
'Do caterpillars know that they'll become butterflies,
or does God surprise them?'"
via Katie

I definitely think he surprises us,
but what do I know?

Dear Sara.

Dear Sara,

You have my word,
while your Bronson fights,
I will pray.

and pray.

and pray.

tonight,
my heart belongs to your sweet son,
every.single.beat.

I pray that God's will is aligned with ours.

Oh how I pray.

how.I.pray. . .

Please say yes.

please.

please.

PLEASE.SAY.YES!

ALL my love to you,
my forever friend I've yet to meet,

Natalie

because 200 characters are not enough.

this post is in response to this which I received in response to this. :)
and a 200 character response box? well it just wasn't enough.

Dear sweet anonymous friend,

I only spoke for me.

because I am not wonderful.

I am in fact abundantly aware of my own weakness,
such that I know, were left to go it alone,
I would crumble.

I am afraid of crumbling.

petrified.
of.
crumbling.

because I have crumbled.
too many times to count.

and when I pleaded here for help, pleaded not to be left alone,
it was because I knew my heart could not endure another breakdown.

not of that nature,
not that day.

amid kids.
and bills (of both life and medical varieties).
and discussions with insurance companies.
and calling the mortuary to wrap up final details.
and having to say "he died" one too many times to people who were
somehow still unaware.

Please know,

I do recognize
my TREMENDOUS blessings.

I live in gratitude, wonder and awe,
consistently wondering why I've been blessed with so much support.

I dance with God in my prayers.

reminding Him every day how undeserving I am.

Then, in the very next breath,
begging and pleading that He will continue to bless me so.

Then again, I acknowledge that really,
I don't deserve a lick of it.

. . . then guess what I do next?

I pray,
from the very depth of my soul
for those who do not receive the same abundant support.
For those quiet, lonely hearts that walk this horrific unknown path

alone.

I pray for you.
every single time I pray for myself,
I plead with God for you.

which is all day.
every day.
of my new life.

You mentioned feeling judged.
I have no room to judge.
I do not judge you or anyone else who walks this vicious path,
nor do I pretend to know a thing about how you feel.

I am so sorry if my words hurt your heart.

Would that I could turn around and eat them right back up. . .

I'm sorry if my journey
has caused you more pain.

I am sorry.

you're right.
I am acutely aware that
"not everyone has the world's prayers as [they] struggle"

yet, for what it's worth,
please know you have mine.

every single one.

in complete sincerity of heart,

Natalie

**Post Edited to Include:
If you choose to comment on this post,
please do so with love and respect.
xo.
N

this is not a discussion on vaccinations, except that it is.

This isn't meant to open a discussion on vaccinations,
only our eyes to a stark reality.

where we stand on the vaccination debate,
is completely irrelevant,
because either way. . .

Infectious diseases are making a comeback.

and that is an irrefutable fact.

just received the following:

"A friend posted a link to your blog and I've been following your story and praying for you.

I feel compelled to share this with you. Shortly after I started reading, I came down with what I thought was a cold. But because I've read your blog, pertussis was on my radar. I researched it. My symptoms matched. I went to the doctor. Diagnosis: pertussis.

If I hadn't read your son's story, I might have just assumed I had a nasty cold and carried on with everything, exposing God-knows-how-many babies and other vulnerable people to pertussis. I've taken two rounds of antibiotics, but I'm still quarantining myself until my symptoms clear because the thought that I could unknowingly cause a baby to suffer like your little guy did terrifies me.

So thank you for sharing your story, and increasing awareness about the still very real threat of infectious diseases."

Did you even KNOW that your immunizations wear off?

I didn't.

Not until life came and robbed me of my heart.

just this one last thing. . .

No matter how we feel about vaccinations for our respective children,
as adults, I don't think anyone can argue the fact
that staying up on our vaccinations (aka the pertussis booster)
is in fact our civic duty.

Wouldn't you agree?

ate a red pepper.

ate a red pepper.

went for a walk.

and thought about Sara. . .
and Bronson. . .
and Matt. . .
and big brothers.

snuggled my boys closer
(who knew that was even possible??).

praying praying praying.

____________________________

Is this what it felt like to be you?

Praying for me?

Praying for me and my sweet son?

. . . then thank you.

More now than ever.

because now,
I can FEEL the love with which your prayers were offered.

to.my.very.core.

and there are no words.

No words outside of
thank you.

pleading for prayers.

This is just, well,

all too familiar. . .

a mommy, a daddy, 4 brothers
the smallest of whom is dancing with death. . .

There is a woman I do not know.
Her name is Sara.

Sara has a son.

His name is Bronson.

Baby Bronson is a little over a year old.

Saturday morning,
he was found unconscious in the bathtub.
(Sara if you ever see this,
you should know how it pained me to type those words,
I wish to Heaven they weren't true. . . )

He is now being treated in the same PICU
I just walked away from with empty arms.

My ENTIRE heart and soul is being lifted up in
prayer for this beautiful woman I have never met.

I pray with all the sincerity of my soul,
that when she walks away from
those long, lonely hallways,
she does so with arms and heart filled to the brim
with every joy her faithful heart desires.

I know the fear,
I know the uncertainty,
the pain,
the sorrow,
the terror. . .

The hope.

oh. . . how familiar I became with the hope.

. . .the confident expectation that things would
be right in the end.

and for me they are.

I received my miracle. . . the way it was meant to be.

But, I am praying with ALL MY SOUL that her miracle takes a
different form.

Please join me in prayer for Sara.

Please join me in prayer for Baby Bronson.

for daddy Matt and big brothers Trev, Kade and Dayne.

for all the beautiful angels on both sides of the veil
who are attending to little Bronson's recovery.

God IS a God of miracles.

I KNOW this to be true.
as I know that the sun rises from the East,
and that the sky is blue.

I KNOW this to be true.

And sweet beautiful Sara,
I am praying for one for you.

____________________________________________

PLEASE stop by Sara's blog
and leave a comment letting her know you are
praying for her son.

She needs to know that her army is here,
lifting her up in prayer to a God who we knows hears us every time.

. . . Heaven knows sweet Gavin gave us all a lot of practice.

try again later.

Bleh.

Feeling so completely and utterly uninspired.

Try again later.

xx.

N

PS. just don't leave me forever or I'm sure to have a meltdown
of epic proportions.

in love with this.

I am completely in love with this.
Service is the sure conduit to happiness.
Of that, I am certain.

when the day is new.

Indeed, there are times when the only way the path can be followed is on one's knees.

~Niel A. Maxwell

We stood over you and we wept.

and we sang.

in cracking,
muffled voices.

"It's such a good feeling,
to know you're alive.

It's such a happy feeling,
it's growing inside.

When I wake up ready to say,
I think I'll make a snappy today.

It's such a good feeling,
a very good feeling,
the feeling you know, that,
I'll be back,
when the day is new,
and I'll have more ideas for you,
and you'll have things you'll want to talk about.

I.will.too."

and then, we said goodbye.

and when the day is new,
I'll hold you in my arms.

my sweet, perfect son.

and again, I'll weep.

this time,
tears of joy.

with a heart that's filled with happiness
to have come to the end of a journey.

a journey I'll have traveled on my knees.

love meets the crazy.

Did you see this?

love meets the crazy: by guest blogger Natalie Norton.

Check it out.

if you want.

or don't.

either way. . .

hello february.

Love smells of peanut butter and Lysol,
of fresh cut grass and the carpool lane.

Love smells of
play dates and dirty diapers
and 3 little monkeys jumping on the bed.

It smells like flour and dish soap,
baby lotion and Band-Aids.

Like baseball games and sunscreen,
hand sanitizer and barf.

Love sounds like sweet giggles
and terrorizing squeals.
Like no monsters in the closet or goblins under the bed.

It sounds like "I'll be your best freh'end"
and "you can't come to my birthday party!"

Like toy trains and bonfires,
Go Fish and big surf.

Like bank statements and kites,
recycling and taking out the trash.

Love looks like date nights and trampolines,
matinees and happy meals.

It looks like swimming in the rain and dancing in the kitchen.

Like singing at the top of your lungs
and skipping to my lou.

It looks like a house full of giggles
and a heart full of prayers.

Love is an angel waiting for you in Heaven
and the arms of God encircling you while you wait.