12 February, 2010

for me.


this weekend,
for me. . .

give your heart.
your time.
your kisses.

and giggles.

lots and lots of giggles.
and the great big gasps of air that come with the territory.

give hugs,tickles,
and hops, skips and jumps.

offer praise.

forgive.

tell stories.
sing lullabies.

"you are my sunshine"
might be nice.

and definitely, definitely,
end the day with a
"happily ever after,"

and a prayer.

thank God that you've got them all
here in your day ins and outs.

thank him for you full arms. . . and heart.

You just don't know how blessed you really are.

Happy Valentines Day
my sweet Gavin Boy.

xx.

Mommy

50 comments:

lovingmylife said...

I promise to do everything! We are still praying for you.

Lindsay said...

I love you Natilie! I promise. Your beautiful and I miss you.

The Gorringes said...

Thank you for your sweet words. You are always in my prayers. Hang in there and have a great holiday.

Cordie said...

Thanks for your posts! You are simply incredible.

The.Marcellus.Family said...

:)
Have a good Valentines Day

Carin said...

What a beautiful reminder~
Happy Valentines Day!

Anonymous said...

I will! Promise!

You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers.

Happy Valentines Day to you :)

<3 a stranger from TX

Chipper62 said...

Natalie, I too will do all you have asked and learn to enjoy the simple things of life since that is what it's all about, right. Love from Loveland Colorado

Kelly said...

Absolutely, Natalie. Amen! Still praying for you. I hope you can have a blessed Valentine's Day with your family.

Kelly

Megan and Keli'i said...

You're amazing, and yes, I promise to do all of that too. Just for you, Nat.

Kahilau said...

Thank you for the reminder. How truly blessed we to have children in our lives, to teach us and allow us to feel a small sliver of the love Heavenly Father feels for each of us! Happy Valentines Day

aimee said...

everytime i read your blog i cry. you are such an inspiration to remind us all life is so fragile and precious, dont take a moment for granted. thank you for being you.

FRANK AND HEATHER MAILE said...

You words are so touching and thought provoking. THANK YOU! I pray that you will feel Gavin close to you...always!
~Heather, Logan, UT

FRANK AND HEATHER MAILE said...

oops I meant "your"

Jenn said...

I'm not mormon, but it's amazing to see how strong your faith is....and as a mom of two little boys myself, I very much admire you.

Praying for you and your sweet family.

alma and nicole smith said...

we will. thanks for allowing us to share in your journey. you are so genuinely good...and i don't even know you. my prayer for you this weekend is that you will find happiness and love easily; that it will outweigh the hard times. still praying for you and your fam.

Pati said...

I promise to do all those things and send a special prayer up for your sweet Gavin. Please know that I have been thinking about you and you have made my faith stronger. Thank you for helping me realize how blessed we truly are, although "thank you" doesn't feel as thanks enough.
~ Pati :)

Amy said...

I don't know you but I have been following your blog and I think you are amazing! I saw this quote on a friends face book page and I thought of you!! You really are an amazing woman!

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.”
-Eleanor Roosevelt

Alicia said...

Definitely! Beautiful message. I'm thankful for another perfectly ordinary day. They are the stuff of which memories are made. And it's always a good reminder. Someone once said, "If you look at what you've got in life, you'll always have more. If you look at what you don't have in life, you'll never have enough."
You're inspiring, Natalie. Thank you.

Kristen said...

Gavin loves you too.

Mandy said...

Natalie, I've composed numerous e-mails to you but words always fail me. You seem to have a gift for expressing yourself, your raw pain and emotion, in a way that sounds like poetry. I've followed your updates daily for some time now; crying, praying, laughing. I always sign off my computer inspired. You, who doesn't even know me and probably never will, have changed my life. You make me a better mom. You make me sign off the computer and hug my three little girls a little longer. You make me appreciate the moments of craziness that accompany motherhood. By chance, I read this poem today and my thoughts turned to you.

I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not thier choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But theres no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are Ok.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!
-Author Unknown

Happy Valentine's Day

kennan said...

i am thinking about you today. life is hard, its way too much sometimes. more than anyone would have signed up for. you, natalie, have received a heavy load and i bet its not something you would have chosen to bare. the ironic part is the faith that we share, we know that we did choose this lot, this life, these struggles..... because we knew it would be worth it.

i have never lost a child and won't even pretend to know what it feels like. but i do deal with my own issues with my daughter and her health problems. i deal with the heavily birth marked face of my son. i just wanted you to know i am thinking about you today, when i read the great news of bronson, i immediately thought of you. how it must hurt you and heal you at the same time to hear that news. i know it must be hard for you that he got a happy ending, he got the miracle we all prayed for with gavin. i wanted and prayed for bronson to heal but i did the same for gavin too. why do some people get miracles and some don't?

i have felt that pain and still do every time a baby is born healthy and with no complications i am SO happy for them but at the same time so sad.... so sad that neither of my kids (so far) have had it that easy. its like a little stab to my heart.... i am so happy for other people but sad for myself. i know its selfish, and probably not the right way to feel but i feel that way sometimes. most the time i am fine but sometimes i am not. like, i said, i know its selfish.

i am grateful that i have what i have. i would not want other children, or another lot. i just wish i knew how to do it right. i just wish i knew more. i wish i knew everything was going to be okay. that i would be safe, my family would be safe but i can only have faith that it will.

i may be rambling on and on and you may not feel the same way i do. you seem to do this all with ease. i just wanted you to know that if you do struggle sometimes with the outcome, even if its just something you share with your self.... i get it.

i hope (and pray) you are healing, happy, and that everyday gets easier.

-kennan

Natalie. said...

Kennan,

That comment is compassion in it's most beautiful form. Thank you for thinking of me.

Obviously I would NEVER refrain from rejoicing over someone else's good fortune, their miracle. . . but yes, there is a pang of sorrow as you are again reminded of how you longed so deeply, with all the entirety of our soul, for the same.

I am deeply touched that you thought of me today. Truly and deeply.

All my love,

Natalie

PS- what you described, is NOT selfish. It's natural. And you are wonderful.

Natalie. said...

Oh Kristen, THANK YOU! From the bottom of my heart. That was pure JOY to read.

Nicole said...

I just wanted to let you know that my sister and I both got our Dtap booster shots this week . . in honor of Gavin.

Natalie. said...

Amy,

I LOVE THAT QUOTE. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHARING IT WITH ME!!

xo,

Natalie

PS- I wasn't shouting, just REALLY HAPPY ABOUT IT. :)

Natalie. said...

oh mandy, so.many.tears. tears. tears. tears.

Thank you.

N

Natalie. said...

Nicole,

That made me so happy, I tweeted it. :) THANK YOU!

Edra Davidson said...

I had a dream last night that you and I were at your house in Alpine and we were crying. I think I was playing with your hair too... know that I am here for you... even though we are separated by 1000's of miles.
Love,
Sed

Anonymous said...

I will. And I will keep reminding everyone I know to get their booster shots!((HUGS))

Brady and Rachel said...

Will do.

Draper said...

You have inspired me to be a better mom ever since I first met you. Sometimes we forget that our greatest blessings are worth all the time they take. Thank you for the reminder.

marcy said...

Natalie:

I smile when I see precious Giavin's teeny teeny tiny little feet here in your latest post. I smile because they are perfect and I smile because they are YOURS! No one can ever take that away from you. You created him and he is perfect. You gave him life, love, comfort, and joy, and again -- NO one can take that from you. He dances with the angels, those perfect feet and toes of his. He dances with his "big" Gavin, and the 2 of them dance, and dance, and dance. And THAT is perfection. My heart is your heart on this "heart" weekend and I hope you DANCE!!

love and prayers and smiles,
marcy

marcy said...

typo....clumsy fingers...of course I didn't mean to misspell his name :(

Meg said...

I don't know if anyone has pointed this out to you yet, but you have your mother's grace...you both are wonderful with words and both sharing of love.

Sending of love your way.

P.S. I am quite sure Bronson was your miracle, and without your ability to continue to love and share he would not have gotten the prayers he needed.

Tricia said...

When I look at your sweet precious Gavin... I am broken. I am overcome with pain at the loss of your sweet perfect boy. I am amazed, as always, by your strength and faith in the face of such loss. May God continue to give you his comfort and perfect peace that surpasses understanding.... Because I for one... Don't understand.
Blessings,
Tricia

Jessica Hanaumi said...

Thank you Natalie and baby Gavin for helping me to be the mama I want to be. This is going where I can read it every day.

Mary said...

Natalie, I came across your blog thru the DPS site. I loved your post there. I noticed that you lived in my favorite place. Little did I know that I would come upon such a heartbreaking moment in your life. I don't know you but I know what you are going thru. With each breath that you take may you find strength in God.

Jackie said...

What a wonderful thing to remember. Especially for our family as we try to figure out ways to "manage" our 8yo son. So, for today, I offer my promise, in Gavin's memory, to be a kinder, sweeter, gentler mom. I'm calling him out of his time-out spot right now. :) Happy Valentine's Day, Gavin.

kate. said...

I found your blog through Rebekah Westovers's blog, and between last night and this morning, I have read all of your posts about your brother Gavin and your sweet son Gavin.

I can't imagine what you have gone through, as my heart has been broken by your story (and I don't even know you!)

Hopefully Heavenly Father can turn my tears into blessings for you and your family, in some way. Thank you for never failing to mention the goodness of Him, and your devotion to Him. Your strength is a shining example of love and hope. I don't know how people can go through tragedies such as yours without the knowledge that indeed, families can be together forever.

Your family, along with those dealing with similar heartbreaks, will be in my prayers forever.

The Valentines party that I am having with my younger brothers and sisters tonight will mean all that much more to me now. Thank you for sharing so much with us. YOU are magic.

Ams said...

Happy Valentines day lovey...
Praying for you this weekend... lots of hugs and love to you!

Heather said...

I promise to do all of it! Thank you for how you help remind me to live and be in each moment. Your sweet Gavin is absolutely perfect. Have a wonderfully sweet day tomorrow :)

debbie said...

Yes, in honor of Gavin.

liko said...

Carlykins said...

Natalie,

Just wanted to share with you, that on Sunday we had the. lesson in Sunday School about the Abrahamic Covenant and the day before I had spent some solitude in the House of the Lord; my Bishop had pulled my aside to provide me with some information which was an answer to many of my most recent prayers; when I came back in it was perfect timing to share how we often climb heafty mountains in our lives and when we get to the top, most of the time there's a ram in the thicket and sometimes there isn't. A few days later a man in my Ward whom was also in Sunday School knocked on my door and told me he had brought me my ram from the thicket.

I wanted to share that with you and wanted you to know how much that comment and or comparison has impacted me.
:) loves

Carly,

Natalie. said...

Carly,

that's amazing you should share that.

my husband talked about the abraham and isaac at Gavin's funeral.

Thank you for sharing.

Love,

Natalie

Carlykins said...

ReMy pleasure, it's beautiful how the Gospel can teach us different things at different times, that there isn't a specific timeframe for us to learn something. This has added to my layer of understanding forever.

How tender for your husband to share the connection to the story of Abraham, I'm sure many were eternally touched.

Your photography is beautiful, the moments you've captured have come to life.

Loves and lots of them!

Carly

Carrie said...

Natalie,
Found your blog through a friend. I am a new mother, with my baby born just a few weeks after baby Gavin. I am so thankful for you sharing your journey and thoughts; you have reminded me what a gift my baby is, and have helped me be a better mom when times get tough. Many hugs to you,
Carrie

Lori @ Just Pure Lovely said...

I didn't rush my children off to bed with a quick, "love you, night!" or a rushed prayer with one eye on the t.v. I spent a long while with each child, giggling over tongue twisters and offering sympathy for a little guy not feeling well tonight. Hugs and kisses all around, including a "sandwich" group hug. Prayers tonight were heart-felt, on my knees, eyes closed. TV off. Thank you.

Natalie. said...

Lori,

You made my day.

xx.

N