water water everywhere and not a drop to drink.

Everywhere I go,
and I mean EVERYWHERE.I.GO,
there are babies.

Babies at church.
Babies at the grocery store.
Babies at the beach.
Babies at the park.
Babies snuggled happily in strollers at the mall.
Babies bouncing on daddy's knee at the restaurant.

Babies.
Babies.
Babies.

It seems there's only one place a baby is not,
and that's in my empty arms.

Maybe I should pop a binkie
in Richie's face and just play pretend?

oh yes.

:)

when we find ourselves asking, "why?"

Tonight I read,

"[He] shall go forth amongst men, working mighty miracles, such as healing the sick, raising the dead, causing the lame to walk, the blind to hear, and curing all manner of diseases"

and for the first time,
and completely despite myself,
I heard my heart whisper,
"why?"

"why not him?
why not my son?"

The answer came as quickly as the fleeting questions.

"And lo, he shall suffer temptations, and pain of body, hunger, thirst, and fatigue, even more than man can suffer, except it be unto death; for behold, blood cometh from every pore, so great shall be his anguish. . . . and lo, he cometh unto his own, that salvation might come unto the children of men."

and I realized.

He also could have spared himself.

but he didn't.

He didn't spare himself.

. . . because he loves me.

He wanted to feel what he knew I would have to feel,
every ounce of it,
so he would know how to comfort me.

And then He willingly died
so He could break the bands of death. . .

that my son might do the same.

That he might one day,
be by my side. . .

forever.

. . . it is through my suffering,
though comparatively insignificant it may be,
that I will come to know Him.

That I may one day,
be by His side. . .

forever.

and guess what?
he loves you in the same, perfect way.

You see?

God is good.
All the time.

impossible.

It is utterly impossible for me to believe
that it was only a month ago tomorrow that
Gavin was admitted to the hospital.

That was the last time I really HELD him in my arms
and felt his sweet, warm skin against my cheek.

Truth be told,
I thought they were just going to give him some fluids. . .
and send him home.

Little.did.I.know.

I see pictures of us from Christmas.

I see them, and I think,
oh that poor ignorant girl.

That poor sorry little soul.

She has no idea she's about to get hit by a bus. . .

and then a baseball bat. . .

and then a shovel. . .

and on
and on
and on

I see her and I want to jump into the photograph,
shake her and scream,

"WAKE UP!

Cuddle him closer.

Kiss him more tenderly.

Say his name with more reverence and awe.

Count his fingers and toes one more time,
just for good measure.

He's leaving you. . .

and there's nothing you can do to stop him."

______________________________________

and yet,

"all men have a sweetness in their life,
that's what helps them go on."
-Albert Camus

and if I shake myself awake,
in the real here and now,
I can see that even yet,
there IS sweetness all around.

barf.

aaaaaaand,
I carried a baby blanket around with me all day.

Even wrapped the darn thing around my neck to disguise
it as a scarf (per a friend's suggestion).
Didn't work by the way.

It just looked like,
well, it looked like a baby blanket.

Tied around my neck.

Oh and by the way,
"barf"?

Well, that's a combination of
"baby blanket" and "scarf"
while simultaneously serving as a description
of what I looked like wearing it.

a little sad on top.

Today I was sad.

just sad.

and lonely.

with a little more sad on top.

and a little more lonely on the side.

. . . and then,
well,
then i felt embarrassed for feeling that way.

and I started to feel ungrateful for all the wonders of my life
that are STILL HERE,
in my life.

for they are not few.

no.sir.

I'll limit myself here to 5.

#1.

I'm grateful for God.

His love feels EVEN SWEETER
juxtaposed against the terrible sorrow.

Only He would be fancy enough to pull THAT off!

#2.

I 'm thankful for the little while I had with my Gavin.

He could have never.even.existed.

and that thought is
horrifying to me.

Because:

Despite the acute, tormenting pain,
I'm TRULY glad to know what I'm missing.

#3.

I'm grateful for Richie,
who despite the intensity of his own pain,
loves, comforts and supports me through mine.

I chose WELL.
and frankly, just got incredibly lucky.

#4.

I'm grateful for my living children.

Who drove me crazy today.

The crazy reminded me that I was alive,
and blessed to have 3 beautiful, living children to drive me nuts
every day . . .

and pee on the sidewalk to ensure that
our entry way smells like an outhouse.

#5.

I'm grateful that I haven't felt sorry for myself.

not yet at least.

no promises.

We can lift ourselves, and others as well, when we refuse to remain in the realm of negative thought and cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude. If ingratitude be numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues.

Thomas S. Monson

I'm not trying to say I'm Virtue Woman,
not by ANY stretch of the imagination,
that quote is just a lovely reminder.

what are YOU thankful for?

do tell.
I would LOVE to hear.

huppy burfday.

Today is my brother's birthday.

He would have been 24 years old.



Mom,

Don't be sad about the door decorating.
I'm CERTAIN that the crepe paper is better in Heaven.

He loves you.

So do I.

Natty

Namaste.

There are a few things in my life
for which I feel indescribable PASSION.

My family.

ABSOLUTELY.

God.

Yes sir.

aaaaaaaand,

Yoga.

but I have to admit.
Post baby numero quatro?

HOLY MOLEY.

Can I get an "ow "to the "ch"?

boobies and blankets.

yesterday night,
we came home to Raleigh,
asleep in our bed,
clutching Gav's baby blanket to his cheek.

I got the lump.

this afternoon,
Lincoln came up to me,
sat on my lap and stared at my boobs.

"mommy? is there still milk in your boobies?"

"no lincoln, there is not."

I got the lump.

uh still the throat kind, not the breast kind.

just thought I should clarify
because we were talking about boobs
so some confusion would only be natural.

seems like I get the lump a lot these days.

ahh.

C'est la vie.

mess of a mother.

I'm so grateful for all the "mom praise"
I've gotten from so many of you lovelies out there.

But just so you know. . .
I'm a mess of a mother 99% of the time.

For example,
once I couldn't find my (then) 3 year old
outside of Costco.

I was searching around the food area
for about 30 seconds
and panic was about to ensue.

I frantically turned the corner.

I found my son.

Peeing.

on.
the.
ground.
right.
at.
the.
entrance.
of.
the.
warehouse.

True story.

Told you.
Mess.of.a.mother.
.

Hmm.

Remember when I used to be a photographer?
And this blog used to have pictures on it?

Bwahahahahahaaaaaa!

One.day.soon.

yes.

Dear Horsley Family.

Dear "Horsley Family,"

This made me laugh out loud:

"I just saw a link to your sweet blog through a friend of mine in Utah
who was friends with a co-worker of one of your cousins friends
... and here I am."

Thanks for stopping by. :)

If you make me laugh like that everyday,
we'll be bffs in NO TIME AT ALL.

Love,

Me

the first gavin.

Since a lot of you little sweeties have emailed

recently having experienced the loss of a sibling,
I thought you
might be interested in reading this.

I was looking for something on the bloggity today
and came across this instead.

Just in case you're curious,
"the first Gavin" died unexpectedly in his sleep
on June 17, 2007.

He died of "natural causes"
at 21 years old.

I know.

I should NEVER have named
my son Gavin.
Doh!

To all you lonely brothers and sisters out there:
I am so sorry.
My heart is FILLED with compassion for you,
and my prayers rise continually in your behalf.

As one of my sweet forever friends wrote
to me today:

"While your heart is healing,
I am praying."

and I really am.

I love you.

*Treasured picture by Heather.

Dear K.

Sweet K,

Oh. You have been on my mind like a record on a loop. I think about you CONSTANTLY!

Please don't mistake my LOOOOONG time responding to any kind of aloofness. I just feel vastly unqualified to offer you any kind of counsel. Truth be told, at the end of the day, I'm a big fat idiot. ;)

I just keep thinking, "what can I possibly say to this beautiful mommy who's heart is literally tortured by grief and pain?" I'm so afraid that my lack of experience will cause anything I say to offer comfort to be easily misinterpreted as insensitive and even cruel. Please know that my intention is neither.

I was going to comment this text on your blog, but I felt like my boldness might be overstepping a boundary there, in YOUR world, so I thought this would be more appropriate. I couldn't find your email address anywhere. . . obviously that would have been most appropriate of all. Please excuse this strange avenue.

PLEASE know my heart and know that this is all said out of DEEP love and abiding compassion.

That LOOONG introduction is evidence of just how nervous I am. . . :) Oh gol. Get ON with it already Natalie.

I don't know how to help you realize K, that god DOES love you, DEEPLY. I can LITERALLY feel that love for you as I write these words. God, well, he knows you by name. He is the Father, quite literally, of your spirit. He want's nothing more than to reach out and make your DEVASTATING BURDEN bearable.

. . . but K, he cannot reach out to you in the way he would LOVE TO until you first reach out to Him.

I wish with ALL.MY.SOUL I could lend you some of the faith I've been blessed with at the passing of Gavin. I wish I could reach inside and offer you some of the peace I feel and even give you a glimpse of my sure knowledge that we will, both of us, hold our precious children again.

I KNOW that all Earthly evidences seem to point to the contrary.

I know the depth of your grief has got to seem eternal. I know there feels like there is no relief.

But the truth of the matter is, God IS REAL and perfect and kind and one day K, you will see his face and understand His purposes.

I KNOW that that's true.

In the mean time, remember, your suffering is a tunnel and NOT a cave. You can find your way through, and we're all here to pray while that heart of yours struggles to find meaning and ultimately heal (not heal to the way it was before you said goodbye to your BEAUTIFUL little girl, but the pain will become less acute and ultimately you'll feel tremendous peace and love once again-I KNOW THIS IS TRUE).

There is a love that is unique to broken hearts like ours. It's a love no one else can understand. I know you are familiar with what I'm describing. Please know that I feel this deep love for YOU.

I am here for you.

Night and day.

natalienorton[at]gmail[dot]com

Lovingly,

Natalie

argh + awesome²

This is the part of our new normal
that I find the very most heart wrenching:

"Dear Heavenly Father,
. . . please don't let any more people from my family die."

I wish my babies didn't have to live with that kind of fear.

yet, God is still good.

All the time.

Since the first Gavin's death 2.5 years ago,
death has been a central part of our every day life.

We talk about it,
all.the.time.

Then Sunshine the cat bit the dust
when I was pregnant with Gavin 2
and the boys got a little refresher course.

Ya see?
He was looking out for us,
even then.
In his perfect mercy,
He made certain everyone was as prepared
as they could be
to make this horrific experience just as manageable
as He possibly could.

What an awesome God he is.

. . . and THIS is the part of our new normal
that makes me the most proud:

"and Heavenly Father,
thank you for helping our family be together forever.
Please help me make good choices
so we can be with baby Gavin again."

Raleigh,

I've said it before and I'll say it again (x a zillion).

you are magic.

"I love you as big as the moon."

Mom

Oh the Places You'll Go.

Since "Tami from Montana"
got me thinking about Dr Seuss,
I just thought y'all should know that THIS one
is my favorite book by the Doc.

If you're following me on twitter
(if not, you can find me here)
you saw the awesome Seuss quote Tami sent:

"Don't cry because it's over,
smile because it happened."

I.love.it.

Now I just need to convince my heart. . .

_____________________________________________



Here are some lovely thoughts from the Doc:
(He brought his A game for this one,
read the full text here)

I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true
that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.

You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a Lurch.

You’ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a Slump.

And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose?
How much can you win?

And if you go in, should you turn left or right…
or right-and-three-quarters?
Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

. . . .

On you will go though the weather be foul.
On you will go though your enemies prowl.
On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl.
Onward up many a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak.
On and on you will hike.
And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.

. . . .

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)

weapon. fire. water. wind.

Today my virtual friend Nitin Deo sent me this
BEAUTIFUL passage from the Bhagwat-Geeta:

nainam chindanti sastrani
nainam dahati pavakah
na cainam kledayanty apo
na sosayati marutah

The soul can never be cut into pieces by any weapon,
nor can he be burned by fire,
nor moistened by water,
nor withered by the wind.

Losing Gav, well,
it's led me to a lot of thought about choices.

Choices I make EVERY.DAY.

I'm beginning to feel that even the little ones. . .
perhaps . . .
well perhaps they're more significant than they seem.

I keep thinking about my old life:
pre dead baby. . .
(boo)

I think I allowed my soul to be affected.
weapon.
fire.
water.
wind.

all of it.

tossed and turned
"helplessly"
through the surf of life.

Now, well,
now I firmly maintain that ultimately it's all a matter of choice.

Circumstances, well they may or may not be negotiable.
But I can ALWAYS chose my response.

I CHOOSE to protect my soul.

I choose God.

I choose
complete reliance on and trust in Him.

you?

POSTponed.

My son died of Pertussis.

A communicable disease.

In case you were wondering.

Pertussis.
Which is really just a fancy way to say
"Whooping Cough."

Though both words rhyme with a million 4 letter ones
in the "dictionary of me."

Gavin didn't die because he wasn't immunized.
He was too young to have had the Pertussis immunization anyway. . .

I know I promised y'all a big fat discussion
on vaccinations.

I know it was due on Monday;
I've never been good at getting my homework in on time
(sorry Mrs Woolsey, you were always my favorite by the way).

Alas.

I'm really looking forward to opening a constructive dialog
on the subject,
however given the inherent controversy,
I'd like to wait until I've really done my research
before I jump on my soapbox.

So for now, the post is postponed.

and yes,
I think I'm hilarious.

Coconut Monkey.

Um, Richie is going to KILL ME
for posting this.

kill.me.dead.

But I just have to tell you.

Sometimes, Lincoln (3) . . .

well sometimes,
he refers to his little private part. . .
as his

COCONUT MONKEY.

???

True story.

and then,
well then hilarity ensues.

like tonight. . .
at the DINNER TABLE.

sheesh.

what to say?

I just don't know.
My tongue is tied.

BUT MY BRAIN.
Oy oy oy.

My brain won't SHUT UP.

It's reeling all day every day.

ALL.DAY.
EVERY.DAY.

I keep feeling like it must be a defense mechanism
of some horrific variety.

Like your brain says to itself
"maybe if I just keep being as obnoxious as humanly possible,
and keep full of STUPID, TRIVIAL things,
she won't have to feel the hurt."

Well thank you brain.

But guess what?
I'm a big girl.
And this hurt?
Well we face it now or we face it later,
and I have a sense that the longer we wait,
the UGLIER it's gonna become.

so please.

shhhhhhhhhh.

I've had enough outta you.

prayers of faith.

I want to make this very clear:
my son died
because God called him home.

For a while,
Gavin was kept alive by a merciful God
in response to the faith and love of countless hearts
the.world.over.

The moments surrounding his death
are far too sacred to share in full.

However, I feel that those of you who were
praying fervently for my sweet son
deserve to know
why God didn't answer our prayers of faith.

There was a point at which the fight was really "on".

His little body was literally head to head with Death himself.

Thinking about it,
aside from making me want to vomit,
reminds me VIVIDLY of the strength of my son's spirit.

His spirit was SO MUCH LARGER
than his tiny mortal self.

Suddenly I came to this horrifying realization:

I was keeping him here on Earth.

It was my faith, coupled with yours,
and his sweet daddy's. . .

oh, his sweet wonderful daddy.

It was our faith that was keeping
Gavin's beautiful, pure, PERFECT spirit
here in this fallen world.

. . . and I knew I had to let him go.

I was terrified.

Yet, in that moment,
I became keenly aware of my inherent strength
as a literal spirit daughter of God.

In that moment,
my faith in Him
translated into faith in myself,
and with all the courage in a mommy's very soul:

I leaned over his bed,
kissed his puffy, ice cold cheeks,
my loving tears rolling across that tiny chest. . .
wherein lay his perfect heart. . .

his perfect, dying heart.

I took his tiny fingers in mine.
Those fingers I had held and counted a billion times over. . .

and I told him it was alright to stop fighting.

I told his heart,
it was alright to stop beating.

It was time to go.

Tears were shed,
promises made,
and moments later, my little angel in the flesh,
was returned from my arms
to His from whence he came.

And the Spirit of God shone around us in that
little room.

And we knew,
WE KNOW,
the separation is only temporary.

We will hold our boy again.

When the time came,
we squared our shoulders
and hand in hand we carried our broken souls
. . .
away.

I still don't know how I left that room,
how I handed his tiny body to the nurse. . .

and left.

Left that room,
that hospital,
that state in it's entirety.

Only in and through the grace and power of God. . .
who has remained at our side.

God does hear our prayers of faith
. . . and true faith requires our ultimate submission to,
and trust in, His perfect will.

Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend (Mosiah 4:9).

Believe these things.
I sure do.

dreams.

I have these dreams.

And you're still alive.

And I think to myself,

"now what was all the fuss about?"
or
"I can't wait to tell everyone the good news!"
or
"Wow! What a magician you are! You fooled us all!"

In my dreams I don't scoop you up
and attack your neck with kisses and tears like I would
if my dreams were real life.

I just look at you matter of factly
and feel glad that it was all just a big misunderstanding.

I wish I could have a nice sit down with
that dream mommy of yours.
I'd beg her to scoop you up and give you a big delicious snuggle
from your real mommy who's arms
are simply ravenous over your memory.

alas.

God is still Good.

All the time.

Even when I'm sleeping.

Because of him, one day the dreams I dream tonight
will be the reality of my every day.
forever and ever.

and ever.

thoughts on prayer.

I used to think my prayers for others 

really didn't make any kind of noteworthy difference. 

I think I assumed, 

albeit subconsciously,

that it was the singular faith 

of the party involved that would 

determine wether or not God 

would grant or withhold the desired blessing.

and I was wrong.

Please believe me when I say that 

I can feel your prayers in a real, tangible way

that cannot be described in any language I know.

I feel like I could LITERALLY reach out

and touch your prayers of 

peace,

comfort,

courage,

faith,

and on,

and on,

and on.

They surround me,

 night and day,

and what I feel is oh so powerful.

Not only do I feel your prayers,

I also feel the love with which they are offered.

And it warms my broken soul.

I read something today in "Beyond the Veil"

that was SPOT ON to the feelings in my heart.

"I am convinced that it [is] by the mercy of God that I [am] allowed to experience the prayers people [are] offering for me.  I just hope they realize their prayers [are] meaningful and [make] a difference.  [From now on] when I pray for someone, I [will] do so with increased faith, knowing my prayers have power." (Beyond the Veil, Vol I, p47)

so thank you . . .

again.

and thank God. . .

again.

deeply.

xo.

N

. . . an abundance of love.

I love you.

I read these words this morning
and felt as if they were coming from my very soul.

“There was such a time of the outpouring of the Spirit of the Lord, that my pen is inadequate to write it in full or my tongue to express it. But I will here say that the Spirit was poured out and came like a mighty rushing wind and filled the house. . . .such as had not been known in this generation.”

~William Draper

you CONTINUE to reach out in love and support.
please know that you are doing my little broken heart a world of good.

thank you.

Funeral Information.

Our little Gavin's funeral will be held

on Wednesday, January 13th.

.

Services will be conducted at the Laie North Chapel

of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

55-600 Naniloa Loop in Laie

.

Receiving line: 10-11am

Funeral Service: 11:30am

Graveside Service (for family and close friends): 1pm

.

We want you to know that ALL

are welcome to attend the services.

.

We are SO deeply grateful to each of you

and we would love to see/meet any who are able to attend.

.

As soon as my head stops spinning,

I'll be back.

.

I have a million things to tell you.

.

In the mean time,

please know that our hearts are full of peace

and the love of God.

.

We know that this miracle of peace and comfort

is a direct result of the faith and love you

have extended in our family's behalf.

.

THANK YOU.

.

As soon as I'm more lucid,

I promise to return to tell you just how grateful I really am.

.

Again, God is good.

So good.

Gavin David Bruce Norton

Gavin David Bruce Norton

October 24, 2009-January 7, 2010

For the last few days,

our baby was the most

loved and prayed for baby

in the world.

Thank you for that.

God is real.

God is good.

Because of the atoning sacrifice and resurrection of

Jesus Christ,

we will live together again.

enough is ENOUGH.

Make no mistake about it,

despite the "realities" I'm bombarded with on a daily basis,

I know my son is leaving this hospital a vision of health,

but in the interim his condition is absolute

torture to observe.

.

I'm just desperate to offer him some sort of relief.

That's my singular JOB as a mother, right?

.

To protect and comfort my child.

.

But I couldn't protect him and now I can't comfort him

and that's an absolutely miserable way to feel.

.

He's currently so completely swollen that

they call him the Michelin Baby. . .

.

I have to say that I think the nickname

is the understatement of the century.

.

His skin is just so taut that it looks like it could literally

tear open at any given moment.

.

His eyes look like he has those ginormous marshmellows

tucked up under their lids.

.

It's so bad that I'm not posting a picture
because I'm afraid it is just too disturbing.

.

He bears NO semblance to his former self.

.

Sometimes I cry because I'm afraid
I'm forgetting what he looks like.

.

He's in a lot of danger if his vascular system

doesn't get it's act together and kick it

into high gear pretty soon here.

.

He's just so deathly ill that he's got these leaky veins

and because of that

fluid is leaking into his tissues making him swell.

.

Normally they administer a drug called Lasix,

which is a diuretic designed to increase the body's excretion of urine.

Unfortunately this drug is causing

Gavin's blood pressure to dip dangerously low.

.

soooo. . .

we just need to invest our prayers and faith

into his body figuring this out on its own.

.

So again, let's all

PRAY FOR PEE!!!

.

aaaaand of course healthy heart functioning.

.

So far his heart has been hanging in there,

but in yesterday's echocardiogram we

saw a little distress. . .

.

hoping that AWESOME plasma exchange will help with that!

.

Alllllllll that said:

God is with us!

We are being carried through with courage,

confidence and strength.

.

God is good!

.

Thank you. A trillion times over.

Aaaand one more time,

just for good measure:

THANK YOU!

.

**While I've gotcha here,

please say a little prayer for 7 month old baby Blake

who was inadvertently given a perscription of VALIUM

by the pharmacy instead of his cold med!**

.

**And one more for 10 year old Ashly

who was hit by a car yesterday morning

(right in front of her sweet mother)

on her way to school**

.

Seems like everyone around us needs a prayer and a miracle.

Happily there's definitely a surplus of both!

.

A million loves!

.

Nat

Praying for You.

As we join our prayers together for my son,

most of us strangers,

I feel profoundly connected to each and every one of you.

The very depth of my gratitude

is of course impossible to describe for

there are no words to do said gratitude even a breath of justice.

Please know,

I'm praying for you too.

I'm thanking God for your goodness

and pleading to him with all my faith and love to

bless your lives with all the love, joy,

peace and prosperity you deserve.

I'm praying for harmony and health in your families.

Peaceful happy hearts and joyous daily experiences.

I'm praying that you feel the loving arms of your

loving Father in Heaven

around you as you go through this and every day

and as you weather the inevitable storms of mortality.

These prayers are the only way I know

to express a gratitude for which there are no words.

So I continue to pray. . .

and cry.

Tears of gratitude and love

for your kindness.

I've always known that prayers ARE heard and answered,

but I never understood the power prayer had to

seal hearts together

. . . until now.

All kinds of love coming your way,

Nat

PS. Your comments mean the world to us. Though we obviously aren't currently afforded the time to respond to each one personally, please know that we do read EACH and EVERY one. They uplift us tremendously. They bring tears and strength and glory to God. THANK YOU.

**Today we'll be printing your comments and taking them to the doctors and angels in the PICU. They deserve to know just how much faith is being extended, from literally all over the world, in their behalf.**

Wednesday Update.

I woke up relatively relaxed.

Which in and of itself is miraculous

as I'm sure you can imagine.

Just knowing that there were a few improvements

last night. . . albeit small ones. . .

is HUGELY encouraging.

This morning his temperature is down. . .

WITHOUT THAT BLASTED COOLING PAD!!!

It's a complete battle against maternal instincts to see your

TINY BABY

all exposed in an air conditioned hospital room

while simultaneously lying on a refrigerated pad!!

I know it was vital to keep his core temperature down,

but his little extremities were LITERALLY like tiny purple ice cubes.

So grateful to Heavenly Father to have moved past that.

Hoping to stay away for good!

His blood pressure is also looking good this morning!

Last night, his white blood cell count was

down from 109,000 to 20,000!!

(though I haven't been updated today as to the current count)

. . . aaaaaaaaand he's peeing!!!

I never thought I'd be so excited about pee!!

This morning my magical mom said:

"prayer really is the wonder drug."

Boy is she right.

Thank you!!

I love you times a hundred gazillion!

Miracles miracles all around.

Prayin' for pee,

Nat

Miracle Number 1.

I was out in the hall when I got a call from the PICU doc

letting me know that Gavin's blood pressure was

dangerously low.

I quickly hurried in to discuss options.

SIDE NOTE:

when you've got a kid as sick as mine,

and your caller ID reads the number from the PICU,

your heart just about falls out from between your legs.

The Doctors felt it would be a wise decision

to attempt what would basically be considered an

experimental procedure in the treatment of Pertussis.

A plasma exchange.

Basically in a plasma exchange,

all your blood is removed from your body

and replaced with new blood.

There was ZERO guarantee this procedure would

be of ANY benefit to Gavin.

But given the severity of this condition,

the doctors felt that the potential benefit

(albeit completely unknown)

would outweigh the inherent risks associated

with the exchange.

I signed my john doe and we waited for the blood to arrive.

At this point I had a chance to let the Doctors and angels know

just how many people out there were praying for them. . .

and for my son.

It was a solemn moment for me.

When the blood arrived it was lying in bags on the table.

Richie prayed over it and blessed it to be

exactly what Gavin's body needed to stabilize itself

and work toward healing.

I looked at those bags of blood and

just felt so much peace.

I KNEW we had made the right decision.

The exchange took 2 hours.

And yes,

we watched.

It was absolutely amazing to watch them just suck out all that

nasty, poison blood and replace it with the new.

Everyone was a little excited.

NO ONE in the PICU had EVER done anything like this.

It was a first for all of us.

As soon as the exchange began,

his blood pressure began to improve!!

GREAT NEWS!

By the end of the exchange the improvement was significant.

It had gone over without a hitch!!

. . . well except for some trouble with the ventilator tube

which required them to bag Gavin

(basically pump air into his lungs by hand)

for the longest 5 minutes of my life.

Upon completion there was a HUGE bottle

of Gavin's old blood sitting on the table.

The mother bear in me wanted to grab it and

throw it through the window for making my boy so sick.

The hope and prayer from here is that this new blood

will help his body stabilize itself so that he

can work on healing.

As I left I asked the Doctor what we need to have happen next.

At this point our prayers are for

• his blood pressure to stay UP
• his urine output to increase SIGNIFICANTLY (or we're going to be facing another slew of dangerous possibilities)
• his heart to stay strong
• and them to be able to back off a bit from the ventilation.

I'm feeling confident.

Your prayers are giving me strength

and giving my son momentum.

I literally owe you both our lives,

because without him, I don't know how I could ever go on.

We're a VERY VERY long way from out of the woods,

but at this point if you've got any good news at all,

I'LL TAKE IT.

We've been feeling so great after this little blip of good news

that we've spent the evening telling

"yo momma" jokes.

but. . .

I have to say the highlight of the night was:

"Wait! I can't keep up! I have Pertussis!"

. . . at least I laughed at myself.

no one else seemed to think I was very funny.

God is good!!!

I'm absolutely certain that this is the first of

MANY

miracles in store for my son.

Thank you for your faith. . .

again.

and again.

and a million more agains.

go Gavin go!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Living on a Prayer.

Ok boys and girls.

Here's where we are in our fight for our son.

.

• For Gavin to live, it will LITERALLY require a medical miracle.
• We have been informed by doctors that he is BY FAR the most critical patient in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit.
• They are researching medical reports and looking into performing some experimental procedures (because unfortunatly his condition is SO RARE there have not been studies performed to solidify the validity of what they're HOPING will work for him). In fact, as I write this post, they are trying an expermental plasmatic exchange that we're crossing our fingers will offer some kind of MEDICAL progress (beyond the progress we are praying for as a simple result of the hope and faith we have in God ).
  .

I have COMPLETE faith that God has that ace up his sleeve.
.
I have total faith that my son will leave this hospital
a healthy, vibrant little rascal just like his big brothers.
.
I also feel deeply inspired that one of the requirements for this miracle
is that we as a family are to solicit the faith and prayrs of others to
heal our son.
.
Please continue to pray.
.
I know the audacity of this request but PLEASE spread the word.
. . . in ANY way you can.
.
Blog posts.
Twitter updates.
Group emails.
Texts.
Facebook.
.
Thank you God for the power of social media!!!
.
I love you all so deeply.
My mother heart is touched and absolutely buoyed up by your
faith and compassion.
.
THANK YOU.
from the depth of my being.

Pee.

I just had a nice discussion of faith with a man of science.

.

and I liked it.

and he respected it,

and he respected me.

.

Doc needed to hear the run down from momma bear.

Because if my baby's going to live,

and I KNOW he is

because the spirit has told me so with irrefutable clarity,

I need to know what EXACTLY we're all to be praying for

and investing our faith in.

.

Rather than going in to a discussion of

ph levels,

c02 content,

leaky veins,

edema

and on

and on

and on

and onnnnnnnnnnnnn

.

I'll just tell you that we need healthy veins and a whole lota pee.

Doc says that once he's drainin that little dinger

faster than we can keep up with him,

I'll know my baby's getting better.

.

and folks,

I'm ready to know my baby's getting better.

.

ps. are you allowed to say dinger on a blog?

.

.

Oh, and for the love of pete!

IMMUNIZE YOUR KIDS.

and parents, check into getting the Pertussis Booster.

Tuesday.

Last night was rocky.

.

After dinner, I came in to use the lactation room (aaaagain)

and check in before I went to the hotel to try to grab a few hours.

.

I hate walking down the halls of the PICU.

All the angels (nurses) just look at me with these pathetic eyes,

and those I don't know personally avoid eye contact all together.

.

I got to his room and long story short

he was in a really ruogh spot.

.

I was near delirum already,

desperate for even 5 min of restful sleep.

.

The doc gave his report

and after the initial urge to vomit on his feet subsided,

I decided it was probably a good idea for me to stick around through the night.

.

The doctor concured

(which really says something about his condition because the

Drs and Angels are CONSTANTLY trying to get mothers to leave and get rest).

.

That's when I petitioned your prayers.

That's when I became FULL of hope.

FULL OF HOPE.

full.

of.

hope.

.

thank you for that.

.

I was literally FILLED with

COMPLETE and TOTAL

confirmation that my son was going to survive.

.

The spirit in that room was so thick I could taste it.

It became a part of me unitl I could literally feel it coursing through my veins.

.

I got right up in his face,

in a room full of people who were looking at my baby as if he were dead already,

and his momma told him what's what.

.

"You keep working son.

You do NOT quit.

You are strong enough to do this.

You are brave enough to do this.

I KNOW it's scary. I KNOW it's difficult.

.

But Son, here's the deal.

.

The Savior suffered this pain too so that he could be here for you now.

He is here with you.

And so am I.

And people all over the world are praying for you right this very second.

.

SO YOU CAN DO THIS.

.

You will be healed.

You WILL be made whole.

.

We need you.

We are a family, and we need you just as much as you need us.

Don't be afraid.

I am here."

.

And bam!

He started to improve.

Not immediately, but little by little over the night,

that tiny body fought.

and fought.

and fought.

.

And he had a win.

And at this point, any win is a significant one.

.

I had an epiphany in the middle of all this.

I learned a little about the effect our faith has on others.

When I spoke to my son in front of those angels with so much confidence,

their care for him changed.

Their shoulders squared and they rolled up their sleeves.

The entire feeling in the room changed from one dripping with despair

to one saturated with hope.

.

Things aren't so hot this morning.

We're talking another blood transfusion (or exchange rather).

Another heart echo.

and all kinds of other stuff that I decided I'd tune out at the moment for sanity's sake.

.

Right now we need to pray our souls out that his heart STAYS STRONG.

That's really all he's got going for him right now.

Which is HUGE.

We need that heart to stay strong and effective.

.

Thank you for staying with us through the long haul.

.

and guess what?

.

Richie lands in an hour.

:)

Monday.

"Mortality from Percussis is most common when you've got

elevated white blood cells or pneumonia and Gavin has both."

He spit that at me just completely matter of fact.

. . . and my knees shook and I felt as though MY lungs were going to collapse.

"He has PNEUMONIA?"

Apparently the angels

(which is what I've decided to call all the AMAZING specialists who are saving my son)

had neglected to mention that to me during routine rounds.

I mean, I'd known it was likely, but still,

the news felt a little like being banged in the face with a baseball bat.

twice.

Then there was a bunch of talk about white blood cells.

Sludgy blood.

Elevated heart rates.

Wet lungs.

Irregular heart beats.

Heart Echo.

and somewhere in there we were discussing transfusions

and blood replacement.

I was a little dizzy but shockingly alert and coherent.

I finished the discussion and then when the angels were distracted

with charts and monitors, I slipped quietly into the bathroom.

Then I started to lose it.

I'd had it.

I felt like I had NOTHING left.

I had a good hard cry.

Reminded God what was in my heart,

squared my shoulders

and headed out.

I decided to leave crazy in the bathroom.

Crazy doesn't do you ANY good in the PICU.

I left that bathroom full of peace.

It's shocking when peace and terror coexist.

It's disorienting.

When I returned to the room I spoke with the Hematologist.

Angel number 4 million and 3.

When he introduced himself to me,

he put his arm around my shoulder and gave me a squeeze.

I knew I liked him.

Our discussion was really encouraging.

The heart echo (Echocardiogram) looked good!

First good news in a week.

I swear to you.

Because of that the Hematologist feels

a transfusion would be premature.

Apparently it's not uncommon for white blood cells to go up up UP

and then peak and start to lower.

THAT'S WHAT WE NEED!!!

Lower white cells!!!

Elevated white cell counts make the blood thick and sludgy

which makes it harder for the heart to pump the blood through the body.

So that's the prayer for today.

That cell count needs to go down.

If the cell count has dropped tomorrow

morning then the transfusion will be taken off the table.

For now.

Which is good.

His body doesn't need any other invasive procedures.

He just needs to be able to rest so he can heal.

THANK YOU!

For the outpouring of love.

Thank you for the prayers.

Thank you for the faith and strength and friendship.

I LOVE YOU.

We can do this!

GO GAVIN!!!!!

Update.

As many of you know, our 8 week old Gavin was admitted to Primary Children's Hospital late Tuedsay night (29th of Dec). After a few days of struggling pretty intensily with what we were told was a case of RSV, Gavin was just not responding to treatment or stabilization efforts. Thanks to the courage of one very attentive nurse, Gavin was rushed successfully to the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit about 4 days ago (I really have ZERO concept of time anymore. I truly don't even know what day it is).

Upon arrival at the PICU a gamut of tests were performed and one came back positive. Pertussis.

On top of the RSV.

As luck would have it, it's at the 8 week well baby apointment that the first Pertussis vacine is administered.

Don't even get me started on my newfound commitment to vaccinations. Another day, another post.

At this point we're touch and go. He's got tubes and wires coming from every inch of his tiny body. Fluid drips are causing him to appear more like a marshmellow than a baby. He's so pale he's almost transparent. He's being kept alive by a ventilation device and a million well trained specialists that I truly owe my life and love as deeply as I know how.

How am I? There are prayers coming at Gavin and I (and our family) from every corner of the Earth. I've been showered with love and support from fellow bloggers and twitter friends. Friends (of the physical and virtual variety) have been requesing prayers from their networks (and on and on down the line).

I want you to know that I feel these prayers.

.

I feel them to my core.

.

As I travel back and forth from the lactation room to his little room in the PICU (and then back and forth again and again and again. . .and again). I feel your strength.

.

As I struggle to understand all the medical jargon that's being thrown around like it's all elementary, I feel my mind being enlightened and my understanding hightened.

.

When I'm rolling out of bed in the wee hours of the morning, after what feels like only moments of rest, I feel as though I'm being carried on the wings of angels.

.

And every now and then when I do inadvertently succum to my terror and tears, I can feel the arms of so many mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters, angels from on high (one in particular) and friends around the world comforting me and helping me to go on.

.

so yes.

I feel your prayers.

and they are creating miracles for my son and I.

.

God is real. God is good. God is truly holding my hand as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death (literally. . . though I have to admit sheepishly that everytime I hear that line I think of that rap song from the 90's).

.

THANK YOU for your love and support.

Please keep those prayers and happy healing vibes a comin'.