27 January, 2010

a little sad on top.

Today I was sad.

just sad.

and lonely.

with a little more sad on top.

and a little more lonely on the side.

. . . and then,
then i felt embarrassed for feeling that way.

and I started to feel ungrateful for all the wonders of my life
that are STILL HERE,
in my life.

for they are not few.


I'll limit myself here to 5.


I'm grateful for God.

His love feels EVEN SWEETER
juxtaposed against the terrible sorrow.

Only He would be fancy enough to pull THAT off!


I 'm thankful for the little while I had with my Gavin.

He could have never.even.existed.

and that thought is
horrifying to me.


Despite the acute, tormenting pain,
I'm TRULY glad to know what I'm missing.


I'm grateful for Richie,
who despite the intensity of his own pain,
loves, comforts and supports me through mine.

I chose WELL.
and frankly, just got incredibly lucky.


I'm grateful for my living children.

Who drove me crazy today.

The crazy reminded me that I was alive,
and blessed to have 3 beautiful, living children to drive me nuts
every day . . .

and pee on the sidewalk to ensure that
our entry way smells like an outhouse.


I'm grateful that I haven't felt sorry for myself.

not yet at least.

no promises.

We can lift ourselves, and others as well, when we refuse to remain in the realm of negative thought and cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude. If ingratitude be numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues.

Thomas S. Monson

I'm not trying to say I'm Virtue Woman,
not by ANY stretch of the imagination,
that quote is just a lovely reminder.

what are YOU thankful for?

do tell.
I would LOVE to hear.


Unknown said...

As you know, it's okay to feel however you are feeling. And, no matter what, so many are here with you. You radiate love and light. Thank you for inspiring me and helping me do the same.

Anna said...

i am thankful for beautiful bloggers, like yourself, who keep me inspired & remind me everyday how much Love He has for us.

you are in my prayers & you are an amazing woman, darling!!!!


Stacey said...

I am thankful for my husband and 3 beautiful children! And for wonderful friends that help us through the trials that come our way. I have never met you but i pray for you daily!!! A friend from a far trying to help keep you covered in prayer!

jodie said...

reading this reminds me to be thankful for my three crazy kids every day. even when they jump and break their bunk beds 15 minutes before bedtime so they're all camped out on the floor! prayers.

Annie said...

Thinking of you every day. (((hugs)))

(and not in a creepy, internet creep kind of way.

As one mother of a baby boy to another.)

stacy said...

i've decided that i love you! you are hilarious! so whitty even in the most difficult of times. you really are special.

i am grateful that sweet tomatoes has a lot of veggies already cut up and ready to be put on my salad so that i don't have to do it myself.

...and grateful for my amazing and crazy little family...yep thery're ok too. :)

Deanna said...

I'm grateful for beautiful words woven together to tell a story of sadness and grief blended with triumph and faith. You tell a beautiful story.

I'm also grateful for steady health insurance, an awesome landlord, and a bonus check that will allow me to buy the Canon 7D. It's the little things, y'know?

Launa said...

I am thankful for amazing women like you who are so honest, sweet, and funny!! You have the ability to write so well and I know God is using your words to help others in similar positions (or those trying to love and care for friends going through tough times!)
I am also thankful for my amazing husband and my beautiful (if completely crazy) kidlits!

The Sandy Bottom Crew said...

It's nice to know that i am not the only one that sometimes feels like my kids are driving me crazy. Today was one of those days. But i too would just smile to myself and think the same thing. I am grateful that they drive me crazy. I am grateful for THEM. Also, while your asking, i am thankful for your honesty. It is refreshing:)

Kerri said...

I'm thankful for your sweet posts.

Also I'm thankful for deciding that giving up sugar was a bad idea. I enjoyed those peanut M&M's a little too much today. Also the gingersnaps. And the cinnamon toast. Hmmm...what else is in my pantry right now?

Shaina said...

I'm thankful for you. You put it into perspective, and I find it incredibly uplifting. While I can only imagine the pain you must be going through, really, wow.

And I'm glad to know it's not just my 3/4-year-old peeing in odd places and that others' boys do it too.

FootPrints said...

i am thankful my kids dont pee in the entry way....just yet...but when they do...i'll remember your words. and i will remember to love life daily. even when it sucks.

still praying for you.

Damaris @Kitchen Corners said...

I am grateful for my mother.
Today my little sister got on a plane from brazil to the US even though she did not want to. She is making horrible choices and my mom loves her too much to see her ruin her life (too much info, I know)

I am thankful for my loving mother whom I appreciate now more than ever.

maryboys said...

i just found your blog and read the story of precious gavin...my heart aches for you beyond measure. and i have to share with you that my precious 8 year old son had both RSV and Pertussis when he was 2 months old...and it was a nightmare - also beyond measure. within a month of his recovery, i was hospitalized with postpartum depression and PTSD. i have never been the same since. and here you are, bravely sharing your loss and bottomless sorrow with others. thank you for doing that. i am completely and utterly sorry for your incredible loss...


torri said...

Thank you for reminding me to be grateful for my little boy who has been driving me crazy lately, and to refuse to remain in the realm of negative thought. I needed to hear that, I need to be grateful for my sweet boy, that he is healthy and alive and I get to be home with him all day!

Margie said...

Besides my great family, beautiful daughter and grandson - I am so grateful for your words to remind me of our saviors love - and the wonderful blessings he bestows on us everyday. Thank You!!

Maria Draper said...

I am thankful for a God that knows the beginning from the end. Who strengthens and carries us in our times of need. I am thankful for my two miracle children, that drive me crazy sometimes.

"All I've ever wanted,
All I've ever needed,
Everything I hoped and
All that I have prayed for
Could not hold a candle to what I've been given
I've been given what I need."
--Michael McLean

I am thankful for a God who sees what we can become and not just what we are right now.

shelly said...

Natty, It was totally okay to be sad -- and lonely today. Real emotions for a real woman who's gone through real emotional trauma. I LOVE you for your valiant spirit. I love you for your courage. I love you for your honesty. I love you for loving my son and grandsons. I love you for loving your mother-in-law. And father-in-law. I love you for being the daughter that you are - the mother that you are -- the sister that you are -- the wife that you are.

I imagine that all the compliments from so many people might make you feel a little inadequate....just remember that those words are from individual people who have been touched in their individual lives by your spirit and your gift of sharing your soul with others at the most difficult time imaginable. You. Are. Loved!

Alisa Greig said...

hugs to you natalie--don't feel bad about having feelings of sadness, God created us that way, we need those feelings too! the things i am most grateful mirror yours, God and His unconditional love for me, my consistently supportive husband, my nutty kids and my freedom to become what He wills for me--I just pray I'm on the right path. You have touched so many and have been a great gift to many, your way with words and your ability to express yourself has helped so many including me, i am thankful for you.

Marci said...

I'm grateful that I get to look into my son's eyes every day...and that I get to mail out these AWESOME earrings to a wonderful inspiring woman who has touched so many lives in more ways that she knows. I pray for you and think of you often...especially when I hold my son. HUGZ


Myrn Photography said...

1. I am grateful to know that my kids are now old enough to know not to pee in the entryway, but on the floor of the bathroom.

2. I am grateful to know that you have a strong testimony, and that mine grows because I believe in yours.

3. I am grateful for my husband. Sick as he may be, he is still the rock of my family.

4. I am grateful that I haven't experienced a loss such as yours, as I don't know if I can handle it with your strength and courage.

5. And I am thankful to know that you are truly blessed, and in turn bless others.

Hope you have a great weekend! Thank you for the awesome post!

Maly and Dan said...

God, family, temples, gospel, friends, health, beach, prayers, so many, many more to be thankful for.

AW said...

Right this second I am grateful it is almost 6 pm and time for me to go home to my fabulous son and wonderful husband who will have KFC waiting for me on arrival.

I'm also thankful my work computer has "inprivate" browsing so on this incredibly slow day I can read your blog.

Not thankful that every time I read your blog I cry, and now have red puffy eyes at work.

I hope that when my son won't go to sleep in his own bed tonight and cries for 3 hours straight, I will be grateful that he is HERE to go to sleep.

I am thankful for you sharing your journey with us and letting us into your life so we can be inspired by you, touched by you, and hope that in return the comments here off you some comfort and support.

Carrie said...

I am grateful to have read some of your beautiful posts this evening. I am grateful to have read some equally beautiful comments posted by your mother and mother-in-law. I am grateful that you are surrounded by an amazing amount of love during this difficult time. I am grateful that your faith can inspire us all...so thank you. Prayers and hugs from one mother to another.

Anonymous said...

I'm grateful for the life of a raindrop, and as John Muir said, nature provides us with places to play & to pray and it gives us the strength to heal our body and soul. Natural beauty may truly help us to heal.

Laura said...

If you glance at the world, you can't not find lots of things to be grateful for. Sometimes There are horrible experiences we live that make us forget that.
You're in my thoughts...hope one day I'll be there for some snaps from you!!!!

Dana Sears said...

I am thankful for your Blog, your posts have touched me. GOD is GOOD!
I am thankful for my three boys no matter what we have been through and what we are going through. I still have my boys...
I am thankful that God has spared my boy...I am thankful that Gavin is healed, in Heaven. God answer's prayer, he provides healing. It just may not be the way us earthly people like. I am thankful that God is giving you, Natalie a sweet grace, a moment in time, allowing you to be a witness for HIM.
God Bless your Family....

Bridget said...

The last several days I have been re-looking at my blessings. Really, so many aspects of my life could be different than they are. Different like as in not so great. And really I like my trials better than I like those trials of other people. So, for that I'm thankful.

The Berry's said...

I am thankful for my sweet husband who loves me despite all my ridiculousness. He is the most gentle, caring, compassionate, honorable, noble, hardworking and patient man I've ever known. I am so blessed to call him my own, and so thankful he chose me. He is also an a
amazing, loving, involved father who has probably changed more diapers than me!! Lol which brings me to my next blessing, my darling little girl Cora. Her smile melts my heart and I love her more than I ever knew possible. Lastly, I am thankful for my dear Lord who has given me so much grace, and bestowed upon me unconditional love the likes I can't even comprehend. He is faithful when I am not. He is my savior, without whom I am just a big ole mess. Thankyou for reminding me to give thanks. I think of you often... Praying for blessing upon blessing for you and yours and peace, as you continue placing your trust in Jesus.

Chelsea said...

How can anyone not be the most thankful for the family they've been given? I am most certain, thankful for my sweet (really sweet) husband, and my beautiful daughter who truly is the highlight of my day. I'm so thankful that i've recently stumbled upon your amazing blog, and through your sad story, get endless inspiration, clarity, perspective, and a good laugh!

Still praying for you

ps- that's really funny that your boy (boys?) peed in the doorway, not for you probably, but to me since i have none. is that how little boys are? :)

Marci said...

I'm thankful for my kiddos and for the reminder to love them and enjoy them. I'm also thankful for friends and a night away from said kiddos tonight to enjoy some girl talk and good food :-).

Scott & Tami said...

I will be thankful for the mailman....only if he delivers your package in one piece. Just thinking of you. Give it 10 days to get there.

Ginna said...

I'm so thankful for prophets and leaders that are so strong and insightful and make our lives better.
I'm thankful to you for sharing your pain and your love and your testimony. Seriously it's a privilege to get to be a part of it all, even in such a little way.

Rebecca Diamond said...

I am thankful for so much in my life. But have decided to comment on my gratefulness to you. Your unwavering faith in the Lord through all of your trials is an example to us all. I don't know if in th e same situation, I could have seen God's mercy and had faith in his will like you did. I am thankful that you have shared your journey with us all because it has made me appreciate my babies so much more and has truly renewed my faith in God. THANK YOU NATALIE!

Laura Rad said...

I am thankful for life and for God and for my family and friends. For my husband who loves and supports me unconditionally. I'm thankful for your spirit and your willingness to share your emotions in such an elegant way, because in doing so, you reach out and touch each of our lives. That's why we keep coming back and tuning in to see what you have to say. I'm thankful for PRAYER and for those instances in life that make us aware that prayers really DO make a difference. I'm also thankful for the beauty of the earth and the greatness of God. He is good.

cynthia m. said...

At this moment I am thankful to God for another day of life, that I woke up before my kiddies to enjoy the silence before the morning madness of getting 3 kids ready for school begins.
Thankful for my loving husband that knows when I just need a hug.
Thankful for reading your blog and being touched.
Knowing we all love the same God that heals us one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time.

Thankful that my 11 year old just woke up and walked over to me and hugged me and said, "good morning mommy" stinky breath in all!

Thankful for my kids. I feel so blessed to be their mommy.

Thank you Natalie :)

Kate said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kate said...

I truly and sincerely can say that I am thankful for your thoughts you leave on your blog. They are so inspiring.

In this small world we live in, we've met in a round about way. I was at EFY the year you and Richie got engaged. In 2005 I moved to Hawaii and was friends with Heather. I remember once sitting on the beach with you and your mom and Ralieigh when he was just a baby.

I am inspired by the strength and faith you have. Hearing your stories makes me laugh, cry, and be grateful for each and every moment that our Heavenly Father gives to us.

Thank you so much, Natalie! You have a precious gift.


Sherry said...

I'm thankful for-

- my 2 little monkeys who drive me absolutely insane. But I do love them SO much.
- a house to live in .... even though it's a freaking money pit!
- a good job for my hubby .... so we can continue to live in the aforementioned money pit!
- the coffee and cinnamon bread I am eating for breakfast, so many people in this world have nothing to eat.
- Everything that God has given me. Which is, well, everything.

quilterpolly said...

wow...how funny to post what I am grateful for when all I do is beg God to take me home. Then I find your blog and I look forward to read it every morning...in the midst of your mourning makes so many hurts and sorrows surface and my pain doesn't even compare to yours and yet I have had seven long years to deal with this but I think is what I am learning is that...
I haven't forgiven GOD for taking Guy.

I am MOST thank-ful that God has brought me to heal through your words, encouragement, and eyes.

Keep that blanket as long as you need it and close your eyes and smell that smell. It will always be with you!

All my love to you!

Fran said...

I am thankful for a wonderful life filled with three crazy boys, who pee everywhere. Even in the Monkey grass right in front of the door, when there is a perfectly good toliet to use inside. As I told you before that thing is just too darn accessible. I am also thankful for my wonderful husband who always helps with the chores when I am too sleep deprived to move. Natalie, I am also thankful for your strong faith in God and the peace and healing you will find through him. I am so glad I came across your sweet blog, your words are always inspiring. Love and Hugs, Fran NC

Courteney Miller said...

I am thankful that God led me to your blog to be inspired, amazing and in total awh of your spirit. I am thankful for my husband and baby girl and my family and my health. I am thankful that you have such a positive outlook on life through the eyes of God and that comforts me to know you have that through the horrible pain. Hope your day is better tomorrow!

Anonymous said...

I'm thankful for my family-of course, but I'm also thankful for my doberman's who kindly distract me from the humdrum parts of my day. Without them to love and give me love back I think life would be such a bore. They make my world spin round and round so perfectly. It's a comfort that no other human can give. God thought of everything when He created. I am so thankful for that fact.

Kristine from Canada said...

Iam so very grateful that I can come here and visit with you if only for a few moments all the way from Canada because you have shown me how to be strong even though I miss my sweet baby girl so much.............and you know......you just get it
Huge Hugs

Amelia Kate said...

Currently, for the advil I am about to take.

Eternally: for my sweet baby daughter who is currently walking around in my 3 inch heels.

Megan and Keli'i said...

I'm grateful to live in a community with awesome people like yourself who are constantly teaching me new things about life.

Holly said...

I saw a link on a friend of a friend's blog (kinda like the Horsley Family :)
Another friend of a friend lost their sweet baby girl when she was just 10 days old, she was born at 23 weeks. On their funeral program, they had a revised version of "I Am A Child Of God" and I wanted to share it with you:
I am a child of God,
And He has sent me here,
Has given me an earthly home
With parents kind and dear.
Lead me, guide me, walk beside me,
Help me find the way.
Teach me all that I must do
To live with Him someday.

I am a child of God
And He has called me home.
My earthly journey's through but still,
I do not walk alone.
He leads me, guides me, walks beside me,
Helps me find the way.
He welcomed me with open arms.
I live with Him today.

I am a child of God
And I have gone ahead.
My earthly life was brief but oh,
Such peach and love you gave.
You loved me, held me, stood beside me
And though I cannot stay,
You gave me much to help me and
I live with Him today.

I am a child of God
And I will wait for you.
Celestial glory shall be ours,
If you can but endure.
I'll lead you, guide you, walk beside you,
Help you find the way.
I'll welcome you with open arms,
One bright Celestial day.

I hope these words can bring some form of peace and comfort. Your faith and testimony are a great example to so many. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Michelle Jones said...

Besides my three insane, creative girls, a husband who wakes me with his middle-of-the-night laughter (while he's still asleep), and my Father in Heaven, I am thankful for the huge circle of friends both tangible and virtual.
I am thankful that there are people who care more about love than fashion (or baby blanket vs. scarf).

....and "juxtapose" is one of my favorite words. ever.

Tiffany Anderson said...

Natalie...I am thankful for you. Even though I don't know you. I am thankful that you are so open about your babies death and you are so candid about how you are feeling. I am also thankful that you talk about your strength from God, it's so uplifting and it reminds of why I am here. Even through your torment you are helping and uplifting other people's lives. I am thanful for my children and I pray that I never have to be as strong as you. You are inspiring. I give you a HUGE CYBER HUG!!!!

Molly said...

I'm thankful for the wind. I know it sounds silly, but I am. I remember one time I was coming back from BYUH to TVA and I was SO down and just in tears and pleading to know that HE is real and HE knows who I am. I prayed that I could a close as possible, literally feel him. And just then the wind blew so hard out of nowhere and it felt like it swept me up, almost like I was floating. It engulfed me. Now when I feel the wind blow, I am reminded of him, and sometimes I feel like it's happening just for me. When I need Him, i go outside. Just like any parent, he knows that we all need different things to feel close to Him. For me, its the wind.

Unknown said...

Natalie -

I'm very grateful for people like you in my life. You have reminded me of how precious life is and to not take things for granted. With that being said, in addition to you, I'm thankful for my two girls who are happy and HEALTHY along side my husband who after 13 years makes me feel like each day is our first day. :)

Jenny said...

I am soooo very thankful for my three CrAzY boys, for my Hubby that works so very hard for us. Also for your words that i get to read and what you have taught me :) You have touched so many with your FAITH and LOVE for Christ. Still praying for you.....

Ashley said...

I am grateful for chocolate. Which sounds really lame but I NEED it in my life. I also am grateful for my daughter even though she is testing every ounce of patience I currently have. And the beach. I love it. I miss it. I need to take a nap on it.

Brady and Rachel said...

Nat, those feelings you feel are to an extent part of the healing process. They will help you heal, but you are right we need to be reminded of what we have to be grateful for. I love that you are still trying, through all you guys have been through, to enjoy the crazy little moments of life with your other three kiddos. Thank you for the reminder that I need to do the same with mine. I was thinking last week, "Had Natalie known ahead of time before having baby Gavin, that he would only be here for such a short time, would she still have accepted the challenge and been thrilled to bring him into this world, knowing it would hurt to let him go? Then I thought, No doubt she would. Thank you for confirming that. You are a wonderful woman and friend to everyone you meet.
I'm grateful for my house that shelters my family from the elements. In the past few weeks we've had a lot of rain pounding down late at night, and I've laid in bed thinking how blessed we are to be protected. I'm grateful our house is standing and keeping my family safe.
I was reminded a couple days ago when a friend's little boy, just 1 week younger than my baby girl pulled a crockpot off the cupboard onto his arm and is suffering 2nd degree burns and having to be treated daily, how lucky/blessed we are that my oldest child healed as we as he did 4 1/2 years ago when he did something similar (pulling a pot of boiling water onto himself). I'm grateful. Though I won't lie, I felt like the worst mother in the world at the time and every time we had too hold him down and scrub his burns, replaying in my head over and over again what I could possibly have done differently to prevent it. I'm grateful that Heavenly Father gave me the instinct to know to put his little body under cold running water immediately, though inside I was freaking out. Praying for this friend's little guy that he recovers very well too.
And today as I am struggling with having patience with my almost 4 year old as his hearing loss seems to have worsened times 3over night (though no ear infections), I am grateful for what little hearing he does have at this time, and that this hearing loss is likely only temporary. Never thought I would be grateful for my kids normally SELECTIVE hearing, but I am.
And I'm grateful for my amazing husband, three beautiful kiddos and amazing family and friends like you. Oh, and I am grateful for my in-laws living in Hawaii so we get to visit them in such an amazing, beautiful and healing place.
What a great post Natalie. Thank you for blessing our lives.

Heidi said...

I am also thankful for YOU. I've been following your blog ever since the day Gavin died. My heart breaks for you. I also had my 4th son not long ago... he was born in September so he's 4 months old now... Your story hits too close to home for me some days. We have a lot in common - you & I. I'm not nearly as strong as you though... some days I feel literal pain & I cry just thinking about what you must be going through.

I had a dream last night that I met you. You & your husband & 3 boys were sitting across a table from me somewhere... I recognized you from pictures on your blog & asked if you were Natalie & we talked for a while. That's pretty much all the dream was, but I felt some peace because you were HAPPY in my dream. Not sure why, but all day today I've been feeling like I needed to tell you that.

Anyway, thanks for sharing your story of heartbreak & devastation, and of faith, hope & courage... You are truly an inspiration.

Karla said...

I am thankful for you and your words of wit. They help remind me of the big picture in life and make me want to be better. I am also thankful for Heavenly Father answering our prayers... it may take years and happen in ways that we didn't expect; but in the end He always has our best interest in mind and it all works out just as it should.

Unknown said...

You. AND the opportunity to live and grow and experience the bitter as well as the sweet upon this earth. It is truly miraculous and amazing.

shelly said...

I LOVED Holly's comment. Thank you for sharing that!

Camille said...

It may sound redundant, but I'm grateful for people like YOU - who put life's trials into perspective for others to realize the joy they have and the goodness that is God. Thank you!
And I'm grateful for my two little girls, who keep me strong, and remind me of God's goodness amid difficult/lonely times.

Anonymous said...

Natalie, This is from a newspaper article from Ann Landers that I cut out many years ago and have it tucked into my cookbook so it will remind me to be thankful......Happy to share it with you.

Everyday Thanksgiving

Even though I clutch my blanket and growl when the alarm rings each morning, thank you, Lord, that I can hear. There are many who are deaf.

Even though I keep my eyes closed against the morning light as long as possible, thank you, Lord, that I can see. There are many who are blind.

Even though I huddle in my bed and put off the effort of rising, thank you, Lord, that I have the strength to rise. There are many who are bedridden.

Even though the first hour of my day is hectic, when socks are lost, toast is burned, and tempers are short, thank you, Lord, for my family. There are many who are lonely.

Even though our breakfast table never looks like the pictures in magazines and the menu is at times unbalanced, thank you, Lord for the food we have. There are many who are hungry.

Even though the routine of my job is often monotonous, thank you, Lord, for the opportunity to work. There are many who have no job.

Even though I grumble and bemoan my fate from day to day and wish my circumstances were not so modest, thank you, Lord for the gift of life.

Now what am I thankful for....My bed when I climb into it at night, all snuggled in, I am reminded that there are many homeless who are living on the streets.
I am thankful that if I want a drink of water I only need to go as far as my kitchen.
I am thankful that I have food in my refrigerator, and a grocery store close by.
I am thankful that I have a small house payment, no credit card debit, and money in the bank.
I am thankful that my car is working.
I am thankful for uninsured motorist insurance for the accident we were in Jan 2, 2010, the driver who hit us did not have insurance and ours will cover the damage to our car. Thankfully no one was injured.
I am thankful that when I needed to have surgery there was a sterile hospital room and general anesthesia available.. unlike in Hatai where they have been doing surgery with out proper sterilization and only Advil for pain....unimaginable.
But most of all I am grateful for a loving GOD who loves me unconditionally.. A husband who loves me for me, for my 2 sons, our health. and the gift of life.

BenLand said...

i'm thankful i found your blog...

(and for my family & friends)...

-colleen :)

Unknown said...

What am I thankfull for?
Gods mercy and his flawless example and love.


Living in a free country.

Technology that keeps me in touch with my dear family so far away in Hawaii.

My sweet husband and three kiddo's who spice up my life!

TODAY RIGHT NOW IN THE MOMENT... I am grateful for

1.) Cough medicine!
2.)My camera, to capture all the little moments that otherwise would be lost in time...
3.) PS- Lightroom and PSE Blurb.com I love digital scrapbooking and the kids are at preshool, at elementry school and the babe is napping.... it's my golden time to work on my 2009 family book!

Love you NAT!

The Garner Family said...

My husband - I don't know what I would do without him

Katina said...

I came across your blog when a facebook friend of mine put it on her status to pray for your son. I am in awe of your strength and your trust in God. I have prayed for you and your family and I have cried for you. You are an amazing women and mom.

Today happens to be the 10th anniversary of my dad's death (He was just 50). I wish that he would have seen me get married and meet his two awesome grandchildren. He was such an amazing man. I do know that one day I will see him again but I still miss him so badly it hurts.

Please know that I will continue to pray for you and your family.

P.S. your peeing outside Costco story very funny. My two were outside fishing and my 5 year old girl came in asking for help with her pants since she had just went to the bathroom outside. Tried to explain that little girls don't do that but she said Owen did it. When I asked how she managed not get get herself wet said I just sat in the grass. I also have 2 nephews who would rather go out back and pee off their porch instead of using their bathroom. ;) Boys will be boys!

Anonymous said...

Thankful that in the stillness of the night when I look at my ceiling and start to wonder


the Lord brushes my tears away and sings me to sleep.

Todd and Rachel Allen said...

I am grateful for someone like you that even though through hard trials you have such an amazing perspective on life and have such incredible faith... almost perfect. really.

I have a lot of memories of you and your family when you used to live in our house on main street. I am so glad you guys lived there and that I was given the chance to know you and your family. I have always admired you and gavin and of course your dear, sweet parents. What an amazing family you come from. What an amazing family you have of your own. I really admire you Natalie. I admire the way you express yourself - it speaks to so many people, as made evident by the countless number of thoughts left at the end of each of your posts. I look forward to your posts. They give me a better perspective on my own life. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You are in our prayers.

Todd and Rachel (Paskett) Allen

Unknown said...

I am thankful for:
1. My two living children. After the loss of 5 babies and a diagnosis of Factor V Leiden, my doctor is wondering how I had two live births.

2. Grief and loss. I've gotten depth I never could have recieved otherwise, and some day I will be able to be the person who says, "I know. I've been there. You will survive."

3. My husband. He is a nerd whose idea of a good time is writing computer code, while I would rather be hashing out our feelings and fighting passionately. He's just what I've needed, though.

4. God - no matter what happens, He's all-powerful and has promised to make all things new again. If you're ever feeling up to it, listen to the song "New Again" by Brad Paisley and Sara Evans. You'll relate.

5. friends who just sit with me, and don't require me to perform...people who truly love me and know it's just hard right now...


rum and diet Coke. (yeah, so sue me...that was 6.) ;)

Lainey said...

I'm grateful for...you and your unyielding faith. It's been so inspiring and needed. It's so easy to fall into a pit of self pity when bad things happen or even when things just don't go your way. Thank you for showing me that simple faith can be the way through our darkest moments.

Other things I'm grateful for: my husband who is a rock star. My family and their bilingual sassiness. My friends and their ever present laughter. My camera and the way it lets me see the world.

Oh, and Chick Fil'A Chicken Sandwiches...whose existence is proof enough that there is good in the world ;0)

Lainey said...

I'm grateful for...you and your unyielding faith. It's been so inspiring and needed. It's so easy to fall into a pit of self pity when bad things happen or even when things just don't go your way. Thank you for showing me that simple faith can be the way through our darkest moments.

Other things I'm grateful for: my husband who is a rock star. My family and their bilingual sassiness. My friends and their ever present laughter. My camera and the way it lets me see the world.

Oh, and Chick Fil'A Chicken Sandwiches...whose existence is proof enough that there is good in the world ;0)

Rae said...

Holy cow, this could be twelve paragraphs! I'm grateful for the great support system of friends around me; for my complex children who make me grow and give me joy, for my generous and cheerful husband who is my stabilizer....and....so much more. And you.

Anonymous said...

I am thankful for you for one. Your example, your testimony, your love of the Savior does wonders for me. I am grateful for how poor we are (my husband and I) at this time in the beginning of our lives. I have been the happiest ever and it makes me so grateful for so many things. Not having much has made me say how much we do have. I am grateful for that.

Gibson Gang said...

Lately I can’t read your blog or your mom’s blog without either laughing or crying… two of my favorite emotions. The two emotions that somehow purge me of all the petty little stuff that pops up throughout the day and distracts me from remembering my real purpose here on this earth. It’s like a colon cleanse… but more of a soul cleanse. I’m grateful for that. Thank you for reminding me of what it’s all about – for keeping me on course.


Carlotta said...

Now that I can't see through the ocean of tears, how this touched my heart and triggered so many emotions. After I placed my daughter for adoption, I would sleep with the blanket I held her in for 2 wks not wanting that feeling to go away, over 2 years later I still hold every so often when I need a good cry. Thank you for sharing your pain, as much as I would like to lift it from your heart, your willingness to share such raw emotions helps to remind me I'm ok .
I'm eternally grateful for life's connections and the Atonement knowing that I'll never be completely alone even though it may feel like it at times.
Grateful for my angel 9 yr old,her tender heart, tender mercies, could go on forever!

Christi said...

I am thankful for God and all the He is!! And I am thankful that people like you still exist!

Anonymous said...

I am grateful for websites like this that remind me to be grateful and hope for a better tomorrow. Grateful that I don't know what the future holds but I know who holds the future.

Anonymous said...

Natalie your faith is so awe inspiring! I am grateful for you and that you continue to go on each and every day despite the pain you feel each and every second. God is good, you are right about that. I know he is fully aware of you right now and your situation, and he is doing all he can to ease this pain.

Okay back to your post...sorry! I am grateful for three things. (Okay more than that, but that is all I am going to write.)

1. My angel son, who was born 3 months premature and lived only 8 months total(the whole time in the NICU). I am thankful that he was SO PERFECT that all he needed was a body.

2. I am thankful that Heavenly Father entrusted me with one of his prize children. I am not sure why he chose me to be a mother of such a perfect soul, but for that I am forever grateful.

3. My newest son. That he is perfect and healthy in every way. That he brought so much healing to my hurting heart when he was born.

God is great. His plan is perfect.

I love you even though I have never met you. Gavin has a PERFECT Mommy. What a fabulous family he came to. One that he will have for eternity.

Elder Caleb Habel said...

I am SO grateful that you have been so eloquently able to tell your story and share your feelings and live your testimony. SO THANKFUL because it reminds me and refines me and makes me feel. And the spirit whispers to my soul that there is truth in your words...truth I know. I am grateful that I KNOW.

Oh and I too love yoga. Thankful for Yoga.

Kristen said...

Please feel sorry for yourself. Just for a little bit. You need it. As long as you don't stay too long, it's okay to mourn your heart out. It took me too long to realize that, because I was full of perspective. Finally it only took a few days of all-out self pity, and then I was good. :)

1. I am thankful for my experiences, good and bad.

2. I'm thankful for the 6 weeks we had with our baby, and that I can still feel his spirit nearby, when I need it most.

3. I'm thankful that I have survived the past 7 1/2 years without my heart disintegrating completely.

4. I am thankful that time heals. A little at a time.

5. I am thankful for your words that express what I was never able to.

6. I am thankful for my other kids that have come since... that my empty arms didn't stay empty forever.

7. I am thankful for the promise of "forever." A lifetime is suddenly a long time to wait.(But better late than never.)

8. I am thankful for friends and family who may not always mention him, but will never forget.

9. I am thankful that I was chosen, because He knew I could take it. (That was a long time coming.)

10. I am thankful that when nobody else understands, He does.

Rosanne said...

YOU! I am thankful for you and your beautiful blog. Hi, my name is Rosanne...I live in Montana. I'm...well, a blog stalker of yours. ;) Your blog fell in front of my eyes just days before you lost your sweet little G. I've been hooked ever since. He's beautiful, by the way. And I'm so sorry for your loss. Heavenly Father must have had a BIG job for him to have called him back so soon. For that, you must be proud. I've wanted to comment on every one of your posts. I've wanted to reach through my computer screen and put my arms around you (and ask you to be a friend to some crazy lady in Montana!). My heart has ached for you and I have prayed for you and your family. But today, my heart aches twice as much...and I couldn't pass up the opportunity to comment. My heart aches some for you, and the rest for my good friend in my ward that just lost her sweet baby girl of 11 months on Friday (Jan. 29). She died of heart failure. It all happened so fast - two weeks. She has 6 other children under the age of 12. Anyway, long story short, today, I'm grateful for your strong spirit. My friend is like you - so strong. So understanding of our Heavenly Father's plan. Yet still hurting inside (of course). When she's ready, I want to share your blog with her. I think you two have a lot in common (pre and post sad news). Continue your beautiful posts of being normal: Sad. Grateful for God. Sad again. Loving God. Funny. ;) ...etc. And I'll continue sharing tears with you and my friend and praying that time will heal your hurting hearts. Thank you for being so strong. It strengthens my testimony. :)

Blog Stalker from MT

Natalie. said...


What's Montana like in June? :) I think I like you and might just fancy a visit. :) :) ;)

PLEASE throw your arms around your friends neck and hold her waaaaay too long for me. My prayers will be full of love peace for her tonight.

A million kisses,


Anonymous said...

For my husband you helped carry my brothers casket at his funeral and touched my face the until I fell asleep the day we lost our babies.

Much like you Natalie, God blessed me with an amazing husband.

Anonymous said...

For my husband who helped carry my brothers casket at his funeral and touched my face until I fell asleep the day we lost our babies.

Much like you Natalie, God blessed me with an amazing husband.

(oops!I had a hard time proofreading through the tears in my previous post).

stef said...

I am thankful God led me to your blog. I have just spent the last hour reading about Gavin, and your words are so encouraging. (I cannot remember how I even got to your blog-it may have started with a photography thing b/c that is the last thing I remember reading before I landed here)

So if you don't mind I may pop back time to time and read on whatever God leads you to share.

With prayers,

Susan said...


Though I've always been grateful for this, I am especially grateful after reading through your experiences, for a healthy, beautiful little boy. I am grateful for every second I have with him, and the love of my Heavenly Father for blessing me with the opportunity to be a mother right here, right now.

God Bless you and your family.