22 January, 2010

weapon. fire. water. wind.

Today my virtual friend Nitin Deo sent me this
BEAUTIFUL passage from the Bhagwat-Geeta:

nainam chindanti sastrani
nainam dahati pavakah
na cainam kledayanty apo
na sosayati marutah

The soul can never be cut into pieces by any weapon,
nor can he be burned by fire,
nor moistened by water,
nor withered by the wind.

Losing Gav, well,
it's led me to a lot of thought about choices.

Choices I make EVERY.DAY.

I'm beginning to feel that even the little ones. . .
perhaps . . .
well perhaps they're more significant than they seem.

I keep thinking about my old life:
pre dead baby. . .

I think I allowed my soul to be affected.

all of it.

tossed and turned
through the surf of life.

Now, well,
now I firmly maintain that ultimately it's all a matter of choice.

Circumstances, well they may or may not be negotiable.
But I can ALWAYS chose my response.

I CHOOSE to protect my soul.

I choose God.

I choose
complete reliance on and trust in Him.



Molly said...

your example is so amazing to me.

Marci said...

I love your writing. Thank you for putting things in perspective!

tara said...

I cry every time I read your blog. You're stronger than you know. God Bless.

Hil said...

i have felt the same way ever since we lost our little guy. you have such a beautiful way with words. thank you for sharing. i choose God as well and can't believe the comfort that has come by doing so.

Snapshotsofhappiness said...

I choose God! Keep writing girl, you're an inspiration! :-)

Carin said...

me too!

Anonymous said...

Been praying since your request for pee. Still praying for you while your heart is healing.

shari berry bo-berry said...

I choose to trust and rely on God as well...I know we are all stronger than we think we are...and usually it takes really hard things to happen to us to find out just how strong we are.

Thank you for sharing that beautiful message...your strength is felt through your words and your spirit!

xo, shari in HB

Ginna said...

I'm with you Natalie. It's comforting to think we do have a choice in all this. That it's not just complete chance that determines our lives.
It's hard not to be buffeted by the storms and winds of mortality, but we can choose our shelter. :)

Unknown said...

I think it was Sartre who said that freedom is what you do with what's been done to you. I'm happy you're making your choice.

Damaris @Kitchen Corners said...

I don't believe in circumstance either but I do believe in a loving Heavenly father who guides us if we allow him too.

trusting God is always a good choice.

Anonymous said...

Yes! Trusting God and his promise that he has a perfect plan (even when we can't see it) is all that will get me through life, with its unpredictable and changing circumstances. God never changes and He always loves us. If I didn't know Jesus, I don't know where I would be. And He's with you, that much is clear.

kanaboke said...

I'm with you..I choose God. I've enjoyed reading these last few posts...I hear laughter is good for the Soul so I hope Richie didn't "kill you" too bad for the post about Lincoln.

Unknown said...

I believe this quote by Joseph Smith sheds light to us all:
"The only difference between the old and the young dying is, one lives longer in heaven and eternal light and glory than the other, and is freed a little sooner from this miserable, wicked world. Notwithstanding all this glory, we for a moment lose sight of it, and mourn the loss, but we do not mourn as those without hope.”- Joseph Smith

renae said...

beautiful. i'm thinking about choices lately too.... because it seems like i'm choosing to let each day pass by so uncelebrated. day in, day out, we're just getting through. we laugh and we make our beds and everything seems fine, but somehow it seems like the LIVING is sucked out of it. how do i grab each day and shake it til it bursts? i don't quite know. i used to....

anyway. thanks for the reminder.

plaidspolitics said...

I'm still making choices, and it just depends on the day and the depth of this journey I'm on. Now you're on it, too.

Our stories are different, yet Gavin's brief life brings the familiarity of our shared circumstances. We have spent time in that same PICU. We were there with Dominic in 2001, and then again with Bridget in 2007. And we also left that hospital without their sweet, precious souls. Their spirits already advanced into the eternities, their bodies resting until preparations could be made for their funerals.

I'm sorry we share this in common. It is not something any of us mothers wish to share with others. But I do share some of the faith you have. Some of the desire to trust in God, even when I struggle to. I share a conviction that there will be reunions, and we will literally, tangibly hold our little ones again.

Kerri said...

Oh, Natalie, I have been feeling so sick in my soul for a few months. If YOU, going through this tragedy, can have such grace, I am ready to try again, too. I choose God again. And again, and again until my soul feels whole again. Thank you.

Unknown said...

You are amazing and I continue to be inspired by the strength of your faith in God. Thank you for sharing this with us, you and your family continue to be in my family's thoughts and prayers.
Beth Wisch

Melissa and Kenny Wharton said...

Gavin has strengthened my relationship with Christ, through you and your inspiring thoughts. Thanks and God bless you.

liko said...

thank you for this.

jenna said...

i choose to remember that life is good. that although heartbreaking, world shattering, gut wrenching experiences surround us there is so much happiness still to be had for all of us if we choose a righteous path. that eventually our pain will heal, most likely not in this life, but that one day we can be free from it all. all that is bad, ugly and chaotic. that's what i choose.

still praying for you.

Meghan May said...

Hi Natalie,
I am one of your "stranger" followers...I think you writing is amazing...I can feel your words..I was driving listening to jack johnson (I am sure you are familiar with him?)the song Monsoon on his new record is about grief and it is amazing...i thought of you and your family...please listen to this I think you will find comfort in it!

Bentley Studios said...

I am not a fan of what we must endure in life.....just lost my Mom, my best friend, not nearly your tragedy, but I have been thinking about you know for a while and wanted to tell you. My mom loves babies, I'm sure she misses her grandchildren, I'm sure she and many others are having a blast with your little angel. I just know it!

Ringelgarten said...

Oh yes, it's all about choices. I can fully understand you, I have been there and have managed to come out in whole.

Bridget said...

Tossed and turned...yes...me, too. I choose God.

Anonymous said...


I know this is easier said than done, but I was reading Green Eggs and Ham today and thought of you. From the outside, this is how you seem to be dealing with most things (though I know there are probably many, many moments of tears - which are completely warranted!!)



Hope today has moments of smiles and laughter.

-Tami in MT

Anonymous said...

I know is not proven that Dr. Seuss is the originator of the above quote, but I think of it whenever I read his books.

Scott & Tami said...

I know you have hundreds of people praying for you, but I enlisted a few more...and you have touched them as you have me. They all have commented on how incredible and inspiring you are....

I was reading in the RS Gospel Principle's book and thought of you when I read this, "If we allow them to, these trials would purify us rather than defeat us." This is found on page 11 and it's referring to what we knew before we came to this earth. You and all of us are be purified and it seems that some of us have the most trying trials compared to others, but you, Nat, you are not being defeated, you are rising to the occasion and being purified....and what an incredible example....Thank You!!!

Unknown said...

Hello. I'm Jackie. I worked in the 15th stake with your mother, who directed me to your blog. So sorry for you are your sweet baby. I have been reading over a couple of recent posts and crying for you and your family. What a lovely example of faith you are.

And I could NOT agree more, VACCINATE YOUR KIDS! There isn't statically significant evidence that it causes Autism. (I taught special ed, so I guess that's what it makes me think of.)

Sending my prayers and love.

Anonymous said...

Hello Family....I just got to read your blog...Not so good w/the computer...and so the lateness in sending our love and prayers your way. We so love your family and were so saddened to hear of your family's struggle. It sounds like you are doing pretty well and that your faith has given you such hope, support and strength. I am so happy that you have that support. We didn't have such support throughout our whole grief....and life still has it's struggles. We are sending you our heartfelt love and support. May you continue to have such great FAITH. Thank you for sharing your life struggles with us!!

Love ya..Jon and Jeanie Jones

Unknown said...

Natalie, found you through Brooke. What an inspiration you are! And I know of where I speak. Our oldest daughter died unexpectedly 3 1/2 years ago at the age of 28. I chose to ignore my pain then and not let others in and I'm paying for it now.

Have you read this blog? Stephanie is amazing. Her example has helped me so much. Perhaps she can help you as well. http://adailyscoop.blogspot.com

Dria said...

I have trusted HIM many years.
As the mother of a multipy-handicapped child I knew I had to trust HIM years ago.
For You to be able to trust HIM through this is truly remarkable.

Erin said...

You inspire me... although I'm sure you wish it was in different circumstances. Thank you for putting my life into perspective. I really needed all of your thoughts on FAITH, HOPE, and our Heavenly Father's love. I pray that you can feel some sort of comfort at this time. I'm so deeply sorry for your loss.

Maly and Dan said...

You really know how to write! You should think about writing a book! I would buy it! Thank you for your example. I went to the beach with my family yesterday. As I set there enjoying it's beauty my mind turned to Gavin, heaven and your family. It was a peaceful feeling. The love and faith that you have for God. Really touch my soul. May you continue to turn to Him who loves us most of all. His great plan we will never fully understand until we return home to Him. May we all continue to pray for you and your family. Thank you again for your inspiring thoughts.

Carolyn West said...

I love this blog entry, I cannot begin to feel the pain you feel as a mother losing her child, but I do know how pre and post death life is, my ex-husband, my children's father took his life in september, and although we were divorced, I never stopped hoping he would find God and allow the good Lord to help him heal himself, (he was a severe alcoholic and suffered from some mental illnesses) Letting him go, in the divorce was, at the time the most difficult thing I had experienced, and I prayed every day that my children's daddy would come back to us, the day I found out he was gone, gone from this world was devastating, and my children have learned quite a bit about death as well, they did not know Gavin, but they knew he was your son and you are Steph and Jen's sister, and they were so saddened by his death, praying as well, that there would be no more death, we lost another very close family friend on Christmas Eve.
Please believe me when I tell you that we are praying daily for you all of you and KNOW God is Good and his plans for you are for good and your sweet little baby boy is back in his Heavenly Fathers arms safe and happy, smiling down on you all keeping watch!!Sending much love!! xoxo

Natalie. said...


Oh my goodness gracious. I am so deeply sorry. What a tragedy this must have been for all of you. My deep and sincere prayers are for you to find peace and for your children to gain CONFIDENCE in God and in themselves as they heal.

A MILLION loves,


Elder Caleb Habel said...

I choose God too!!!!!! Absolutely!