31 January, 2010

water water everywhere and not a drop to drink.

Everywhere I go,
and I mean EVERYWHERE.I.GO,
there are babies.

Babies at church.
Babies at the grocery store.
Babies at the beach.
Babies at the park.
Babies snuggled happily in strollers at the mall.
Babies bouncing on daddy's knee at the restaurant.

Babies.
Babies.
Babies.

It seems there's only one place a baby is not,
and that's in my empty arms.

Maybe I should pop a binkie
in Richie's face and just play pretend?

oh yes.

:)

28 comments:

Angela said...

{hug}

But...if you do pop a binkie in Richie's mouth, will you please post a picture for us?

Just kidding!

Praying for you!

Addie said...

Ha! Angela beat me to it. My thoughts exactly :)

Andrea said...

That is one of the hardest things...is seeing all the babies everywhere. It just makes my empty arms even more empty. I especially struggle seeing little boys that look a lot like Wyatt did. Oh, so hard! So sorry you are having to go through this. It's beyond hard!
Thinking of you.
Andrea
Angel Wyatt's mommy

Autumn said...

Hi, I don't know you but I'm really touched by your posts and your faith. I'm LDS too and I KNOW what you are saying is REAL, I've just never felt the kind of loss you have. Recently, I had a kinda distant family member lose a baby at 27 weeks, he only lived 4 days. Now when I see her and she's going about her normal business taking care of her two older kids I think of the snip-pit "In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see". I know she mourns but people would look at her with her kids and the smile on her face and think her life's great. Even you would look at her and think this, but in reality you're kindred. You're lovely and your faith is inspiring <3

Kristin Cook said...

Hi Natalie,
I stumbled upon your blog via rebekah westover's blog. I just want you to know, that even though I don't know you, we serve the same Mighty God and I'm praying for you as you come into my thoughts during the day. Praying that God will give you a peace that passes all understanding, comfort, and stregth to get through each moment.

mikelle said...

Hi Natalie,

I've been following your blog for a couple weeks now, and this is my first time commenting because I recently had a miscarriage and this post describes how I feel to a t. You are such an inspiration to me. Spiritually and professionally. (I'm an aspiring photographer and have benefited greatly from your dps articles). Thanks for everything. But especially for being you.

Mikelle

Brittany said...

I have now heard about your story from a few different people. It is a small world. It is also even smaller in the world of "angel moms." I have now spent a good hour reading some of your posts. You inspire me. I wish I lived in Hawaii (first of all, for obvious reasons and second so that we could be FRIENDS!) But blogger friends are ok too :)

Naihe Family said...

I want to see a pic too!!! Maybe go to a singles ward for a little bit....I don't know.... That twon is full of young coules. I wish I could make it better for you. Lots of love and HUGE HUGS!!!!

The Cricket on the Hearth said...

I remember saying these same words and thinking these same thoughts over and over again as we struggled with infertility during the first nine years of our marriage. My arms are no longer empty, and happily, one day neither will yours be. Until then, know that let Him speak peace to your soul.

liko said...

i just caught up on the last few posts. i love your writing. despite the circumstances, your words touch me to the core and you do have a wonderful gift of being able to eloquently express your feelings.

Damaris said...

Oh natalie,

it does seem so wrong. How sad that your arms are empty.
arghhhh

Jessalee said...

I've grieved the same thing myself, and my loss wasn't nearly as tangible as yours. Miscarriage is bad, but losing a child after carrying him and giving birth to him? Unfathomable.

Everywhere I turned there were babies and pregnant women. Everywhere! So I know the feelings oh so well, but I can't imagine the degree to which yours must be!

I vote for the pretend with Richie. And a picture, as suggested above!

Aloha said...

Im sooo sorry Nat. Im so glad you are laughing or at least making others laugh. I love you so much! Thankyou for continuing to be a ROCK of faith. You are a ROCKstar mommy wife friend:D

Jana said...

No your baby isn't in your arms, but he IS in God's arms. It doesn't make it any easier but hopefully give you comfort knowing Gavin is safe!

Jana

Kristine from Canada said...

Hug Natalie so many hugs!

Pipsylou said...

Met some new women last night and it was torture, with all of the new babies/pregnancies. I just wanted to go to bed.

Kristen said...

It's not fair.

The Lowe Family said...

Knowing Richie he just might let you do it if he thought that would ease your pain a little...i'm not so sure he'd be okay with a picture posted all over the internet, but we'd sure appreciate seeing it! :)

Kris said...

I'm so sorry...and can completely understand. I've felt the same way on more times than I could count.

Naomi's Blessed Life said...

Oh Natalie.....I still feel that way 6 years later. But I'm thankful that God didn't remove my love for babies. And if I stuck a pacifier in one of my kids mouths now....they would think I lost my mind. They are 20, 14, and 12! I hope I made you smile. =)

Sheye Rosemeyer said...

When I lost Ava, I would walk through Target with my head down. Eyes to the floor. If I looked up, the pink and the ponytails and the everything Dora would loom from all sides. I couldn't bear it. I thought it would never be any different, yet it is.

Holding your hand from afar, Natalie.
Love Sheye xx

Donna said...

One of the greatest blessings of being sealed in the temple is knowing those children are waiting for us to raise them in the celestial kingdom for their time is not done yet. What a powerful promise and incentive to know we are to remain faithful to fulfill our callings as mothers and fathers we just get to do it when we are better.

Hannah + Dale said...

Yes, that is so hard to see. Seems like EVERYONE has a baby hugh?

Can sometimes feel like torture. I am trying to pray for those mommas and their babies -that seems to help my heart just a little.

Natalie. said...

Hannah + Dale,

now THAT is a GREAT idea!

Thank you for sharing!!!!!

Love,

N

Amber said...

ouch. a lump in my throat. again I am reminded by you to smother my little ones with all my love. I have been blessed. He has given me so much. Thank you Natalie for sharing your joys and sorrows.
<3

Anonymous said...

dear Natalie,
I have followed your blog for a while now and prayed for baby Gavin. you are so enspiring. I have read alot about your feelings of emptiness and seeing babies in
others arms and he isn't in yours.

I hope you're not offended by any of this as that's not my intention at all, but i am really curious to know if you have ever heard of 'Reborn Dolls'? They are dolls that start off as cheap baby play dolls and are painted to look as realistic as possible. 'reborn artists' as they call themselves also paint these lifelike baby dolls out of sculpts someone else has moulded. I first came across these
amazing pieces of art and this hobby when I saw one on eBay a while back. I researched them because I
was completely oblivious this existed! and i was amazed to see so many people make them and sell them (some for hundreds and thousands of dollars). these baby dolls hve been used in nursing homes for 'cuddle therapy' for alzheimers and dementia patients. researh has shown that due to the amazing lifelike look of these dolls, thy have been a great therapy tool. patients are able to hold them and apparently your brain releases the same chemical that mothers get when holding their babies. many women who have lost children whether by miscarriage or after birth have bought a doll and it has brought them much comfort as they say it is something. 3D they can hold in thir arms
to remind them of their baby. some get dolls that look like their child or any other ones. there is alot of controversy surrounding the women who buy them
(and make them) because a very small portion of buyers treat the doll like a human infant when really they are mainly collectors items. have a look at wikipedia for a more in depth explanation if you like: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reborn_doll

I am not suggesting you should get one, and I know it can seem offensive for some people but I'm actually just interested to hear your views on them. I personally was amazed when I first discovered they existed, and I think it's a hobby for many people who get great satisfaction
out f knowing their dolls have helped someone. I think they are also works of art and I understand some
people are repulsed by them, (this can be explained by the 'uncanny valley hypothesis' in wiki article). but I'd love to hear your thoughts having lost a precious baby.


once again, no offence meant at all and I just am truly curious as to your thoughts.. they are certainly not for everyone but I think deep down many women love the idea of a normal childrens doll that's been transformed to look like a baby. they are just dolls at the end of the day and are in NO way a replacement for ANY human being and should not be treated that way, rather an artform
to be admired.

all the best wishes to you and please continue writing as you have inspired many people. what a great blessing! kindest regards to you.

(ps, you don't need to post this you can just reply as a comment after this one if you want to :) no
pressure!)

Natalie. said...

anonymous,

You have not offended me AT ALL.

You know what, I think that whatever helps a person is the perfect thing for them. Some people may say stuff like that is creepy because it's creepy to "THEM". But that same "creepy thing" might be incredibly healing to another person. Nothing makes me more angry than when people judge the way others grieve. Honestly. It's SO individual, and ultimately, it's all about survival.

So what do I think of those dolls? If they help people, WONDERFUL!!! Will I be getting one? Dunno. Maybe one day I'll wake up and think to myself, I've gotta get me one of those. . . today's not that day.

xx!

Anonymous said...

thankyou for your response. totally agree! xx