25 January, 2010

Dear K.

Sweet K,

Oh. You have been on my mind like a record on a loop. I think about you CONSTANTLY!

Please don't mistake my LOOOOONG time responding to any kind of aloofness. I just feel vastly unqualified to offer you any kind of counsel. Truth be told, at the end of the day, I'm a big fat idiot. ;)

I just keep thinking, "what can I possibly say to this beautiful mommy who's heart is literally tortured by grief and pain?" I'm so afraid that my lack of experience will cause anything I say to offer comfort to be easily misinterpreted as insensitive and even cruel. Please know that my intention is neither.

I was going to comment this text on your blog, but I felt like my boldness might be overstepping a boundary there, in YOUR world, so I thought this would be more appropriate. I couldn't find your email address anywhere. . . obviously that would have been most appropriate of all. Please excuse this strange avenue.

PLEASE know my heart and know that this is all said out of DEEP love and abiding compassion.

That LOOONG introduction is evidence of just how nervous I am. . . :) Oh gol. Get ON with it already Natalie.

I don't know how to help you realize K, that god DOES love you, DEEPLY. I can LITERALLY feel that love for you as I write these words. God, well, he knows you by name. He is the Father, quite literally, of your spirit. He want's nothing more than to reach out and make your DEVASTATING BURDEN bearable.

. . . but K, he cannot reach out to you in the way he would LOVE TO until you first reach out to Him.

I wish with ALL.MY.SOUL I could lend you some of the faith I've been blessed with at the passing of Gavin. I wish I could reach inside and offer you some of the peace I feel and even give you a glimpse of my sure knowledge that we will, both of us, hold our precious children again.

I KNOW that all Earthly evidences seem to point to the contrary.

I know the depth of your grief has got to seem eternal. I know there feels like there is no relief.

But the truth of the matter is, God IS REAL and perfect and kind and one day K, you will see his face and understand His purposes.

I KNOW that that's true.

In the mean time, remember, your suffering is a tunnel and NOT a cave. You can find your way through, and we're all here to pray while that heart of yours struggles to find meaning and ultimately heal (not heal to the way it was before you said goodbye to your BEAUTIFUL little girl, but the pain will become less acute and ultimately you'll feel tremendous peace and love once again-I KNOW THIS IS TRUE).

There is a love that is unique to broken hearts like ours. It's a love no one else can understand. I know you are familiar with what I'm describing. Please know that I feel this deep love for YOU.

I am here for you.

Night and day.





Unknown said...

Tears. Perfectly said. You are a rawkstar.

Allison said...

How sweet of you to respond to this. I don't know her, but I know her mom and I'm glad she found your blog. You are a rock with persepective and an incredible way of putting feeling & experiences into words- I know this will help. Thanks for being so great and willing to reach out to so many people, especially in your time of coping with a changed life. You are such a sweet person. Your testimony shines too.

Emily said...

The part about suffering being a tunnel and not a cave....BEAUTIFUL.

Kathryn said...

Natalie girl, all I can say is that you are amazing, and where were you 13 years ago? :) I needed someone to say this to ME. Thankfully, God worked on me and brought great healing to my heart. I still miss my daughter like she died yesterday, but the deep pain is only from time to time now. How grateful I am for voices like yours that can speak to our "sisters in suffering" just beginning this grief journey, and also to remind ME of God's goodness. I believe it, I believe it, even on the hard days. I'm praying for you and your family, and will continue to do so. I feel like I have found a "kindred spirit", and a new friend. Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful heart with us. Your words have brought great comfort to my heart tonight...

Much Love, Kathryn

Asli Tur said...

Everytime I visit your blog I am grateful for the day I emailed you about your BWs. Look where that brought me.

You are one amazing spirit - who is so wise and so relatable in so many ways.

Through you, I have learned so much, about motherhood, about life, about kids, about just being in the moment and trusting the universe.

All is good. There is a reason you are going through this journey. When you come out that tunnel, you will realize you have touched so many lives and changed them for the BETTER.

Good days are ahead. You have a wonderful family and a world-load of people who love you.


ihavemostlybeen said...

To have been through so recently the loss of your own child and yet to still be able to reach out to someone else in their suffering - you amaze me more and more. Was always a fan of your writing and photos and deeply envious of your skills in those areas, can now see that you have so much more to offer, feels weird to have this much respect for someone I have never met.

Chelsea said...

Oh how I know your words are true! What a amazing mother you are! You have made me think of the blessing of Eternal families too. Maybe you'll like the thought that I found? http://somedailysunshine.blogspot.com/2010/01/families-can-be-together-forever.html
I don't know of much that can help, because you seem to know it all so firmly already! But, anyways, I hope you like it.

The Garner Family said...

Once again, you're amazing. Your faith inspires me everyday.

Anonymous said...

Dear K
as I pray for Nat, I pray for your broken heart. A few years ago my heart was shattered, I had no answers and no future that I could see. I thought of suicide, the pain was too intense to bear, but knew I could not leave that legacy to my children even though they were grown. I sat on my steps in the rain, weaping. Suddenly the rain stopped, the sun peaked through the clouds. I opened my Bible and the words popped off the page from the book of Isaiah. God said from His word, "... I will never forget you, I have tattooed apicture on you on the palms of my hands and you are ever before me..." As I looked at the rainbow breaking through the clouds a peace flooded my broken heart and I knew God was real, and every time he moved His hand to answer someone's prayer, or just to move a raincloud, He saw my face. He knew where I was, He knew His plans for me, He knew my broken heart and He would not lose me nor think of me as one of many. That's what I want you to know. You are precious to Him and He knows your name, your face and your shattered heart. He will keep you and sustain you until and through the days to come. It's been many years since the day on my stairs. the broken heart has healed and I am whole again. It didn't happen all at once or over night. The pain didn't go away suddenly, but it did heal. Just talk to Him like you would your friend. He will not leave you.
with my prayers,

Natalie. said...


that was so very very beautiful. I know that was meant for K, but truly, it touched my heart deeply as well.