Oh. You have been on my mind like a record on a loop. I think about you CONSTANTLY!
Please don't mistake my LOOOOONG time responding to any kind of aloofness. I just feel vastly unqualified to offer you any kind of counsel. Truth be told, at the end of the day, I'm a big fat idiot. ;)
I just keep thinking, "what can I possibly say to this beautiful mommy who's heart is literally tortured by grief and pain?" I'm so afraid that my lack of experience will cause anything I say to offer comfort to be easily misinterpreted as insensitive and even cruel. Please know that my intention is neither.
I was going to comment this text on your blog, but I felt like my boldness might be overstepping a boundary there, in YOUR world, so I thought this would be more appropriate. I couldn't find your email address anywhere. . . obviously that would have been most appropriate of all. Please excuse this strange avenue.
PLEASE know my heart and know that this is all said out of DEEP love and abiding compassion.
That LOOONG introduction is evidence of just how nervous I am. . . :) Oh gol. Get ON with it already Natalie.
I don't know how to help you realize K, that god DOES love you, DEEPLY. I can LITERALLY feel that love for you as I write these words. God, well, he knows you by name. He is the Father, quite literally, of your spirit. He want's nothing more than to reach out and make your DEVASTATING BURDEN bearable.
. . . but K, he cannot reach out to you in the way he would LOVE TO until you first reach out to Him.
I wish with ALL.MY.SOUL I could lend you some of the faith I've been blessed with at the passing of Gavin. I wish I could reach inside and offer you some of the peace I feel and even give you a glimpse of my sure knowledge that we will, both of us, hold our precious children again.
I KNOW that all Earthly evidences seem to point to the contrary.
I know the depth of your grief has got to seem eternal. I know there feels like there is no relief.
But the truth of the matter is, God IS REAL and perfect and kind and one day K, you will see his face and understand His purposes.
I KNOW that that's true.
In the mean time, remember, your suffering is a tunnel and NOT a cave. You can find your way through, and we're all here to pray while that heart of yours struggles to find meaning and ultimately heal (not heal to the way it was before you said goodbye to your BEAUTIFUL little girl, but the pain will become less acute and ultimately you'll feel tremendous peace and love once again-I KNOW THIS IS TRUE).
There is a love that is unique to broken hearts like ours. It's a love no one else can understand. I know you are familiar with what I'm describing. Please know that I feel this deep love for YOU.
I am here for you.
Night and day.
25 January, 2010