double heart.

today I ran through a field with a girl named Chloe.

we roared our terrible roars.
we rolled through itchy grass.

we played peek-a-boo,
and made magic.

and I was reminded,
yet AGAIN,
why I double heart my job.

you.

you.

you have been so strong.

so courageous.

my pillar.
my rod.
my refuge.

my silly afternoons and late night giggles.

my pick me up from a puddle on the floor
and tuck me safely into bed.

my late night prayers amid tears and earth shattering reality.

my "you've got mascara all over your face again"
before I walk out the door to the supermarket.

my, "how long has it been since you've showered."

my, "it's time for a break."

my walk . . .
hand in hand, on the sand.

you.

you have put aside every broken piece of your own heart,
your own shattered soul,
to love, protect and heal mine.

you have given yourself completely to our sons,
to me,
without a breath of a thought of yourself.

you have fought your own quiet battle.

alone.

disenfranchised.

while I stood before the world,
you
were the prayer that sustained me.

you are my happiest thought
and my saving grace.

I love you.

xx.

Me

typing. sunbathing.

I just got an email from my perfect mother in law.

the subject line: typing. sunbathing.

this is richie's grandmother!
amazing right?

way to multitask Grandma Patty.
a woman after my own heart!

reaching out.

this evening I.felt.so.alone.
I felt forgotten and forsaken.

but not by God.
never ever by Him.

My Richie took me in his arms.

and he said all the wrong things.

all the man things.
the fix you up things.

I arched my back at his attempts to "fix" my broken life,
then we both laughed out loud at our conventional marriage.
. . .

oh Richie,
you are my happiest thought.

I don't mind that we're conventional.
not.one.single.bit.
In fact, I'm quite certain it's my very favorite thing about us.

. . .

I spent a considerable amount of time lying
face down on the couch.

just so you know.

I'm really not sure what the kids were doing.
probably trying to kill each other on the trampoline?

it's likely.

I lay there, and I wished the day would wind it self to a close
and that I could just wake up, in clean sheets, and it'd be tomorrow.

fix the dinner.
put the kids to bed.
fold the laundry.
do the dishes.
answer the emails.
work.
work.
work.

. . .

my heart felt like it was going to EXPLODE
with complete and utter overwhelm.

then.

then, without a word, I got the keys.
kissed the man child.
kissed the crazies.

and I drove.
a block.
to the church parking lot.

I pulled into a stall.

and. . .
and I opened my email. . .???
of alllllllll the things in allllllllll the universe to do,
THIS is what popped into my brain.

and I read.

and.I.cried.

cried and cried and cried.

and cried.

and suddenly, I no longer felt all alone.

Bill (from Heaven knows where),

thank you.
thank you, for being willing to be "foolish" (bill's word, not mine).
your words spoke directly to tonight's broken soul.

and because of your example,
I will forever reach out better, more often, more completely.

xx.

N

Natalie,

I somehow stumbled onto your blog searching for photo stuff (I am an amateur photographer) and felt compelled to drop you a note. I read that you lost your young baby, I am so sorry you and your family have to go through this.

Please allow me to ramble for a moment. I was orphaned as a boy and it affected me deeply. Fast forward into adulthood and my wife lost our first baby. Then we had a healthy one and then had our youngest who was very sick and on a ventilator for years and tube fed and horribly sick and frail with many neurological issues, just last night I was going through old photos and I came across some pictures of our youngest that a local lady photographer did for us, and I remembered the first time I saw those pictures. Our little girl was so sick and I remember looking at her for the first time as just a pretty little baby. Somehow the photographer had captured her so perfectly and it truly changed the way I looked at her. No machines or nurses or medicines, just my baby. Maybe we were going to be a "normal" family someday.

So what does this have to do with you? I don't know other than you are a female photographer of considerable talent and you are obviously still coping with your incredible loss. But I am sure that somewhere a father or mother, son, daughter or maybe just a friend looked at one of your photos and smiled today. And maybe you helped someone look at a loved one in a little different, sweeter light. And that is an amazing gift!!!

My little one is almost ten now and off all of the machines. She's funny and smart and still has those same beautiful eyes that I first noticed in a picture. As I read your amazingly open and painful blog through tears I remembered the fear and pain and loneliness of my parents deaths and my wife's sense of loss after her miscarriage, and the anger and helplessness of my youngest illness. And then I think there is no such thing as a coincidence, I almost always had a sense of someone or something comforting me in my worst times. Sometimes a stranger would stop and chat with me, A friend may call unexpectedly. So as I get older and become more open to making a fool of myself, I can tell you that an unknown stranger is thinking of you and your loss and your gift of amazing portraits that you give to families touching them for years to come.

Bill

bookings: HI, CA, UT, Cardston. . .

I've been getting a lot of emails lately
asking when I'm going to be taking bookings.

I had my first shoot post baby stuff
3 days after the funeral
and have been shooting pretty consistently ever since.

I'm currently booking into late May/June.

If you're interested, you may just want to jump on
el band wagon pronto.

ALSO, a pretty big trip to CA/UT/Cardston, Alberta
is in the mix, so if you'd like to get on the schedule in those areas
for July, drop me a line.

Love you little lovlies.

N

nature.

dear nature,

I like you more than friends.

fyi: all straight out of the camera,
shot medium res jpeg,
at 1.4 thus the natural vignette.

cardon sings a lullaby.

when I start thinking about how all we have
of him are cell phone videos. . .

how there aren't pictures of all of us together. . .

or how a huge hole has been blown through the middle of my life.

through the center.of.my.heart.

I watch this,
and I feel sick.
overwhelmed with grief.
with reality.

and then. . .

through the grace of a loving Father in Heaven,
who loves me perfectly. . .

I am filled with joy. . .

over everything I have left.

here.
now.

and I'm overcome with gratitude for the promise of eternity.

sea glass and you.

amid the chaos,
I stopped.

I stopped,
and I collected sea glass. . .

(which no one appreciates as much as your auntie heather and I)

I collected sea glass,
and I thought about you.

and I missed you fiercely.

and I sang.

you are my sunshine,
my only sunshine.
you make me happy when skies are gray...

and I cried.

but just a little.

. . .

I collected, and I sang.

I cried a little and thought.

a lot.

I thought about our Heavenly Father,
about closed doors and open windows.

Because despite the terror of our painful goodbye,
windows are opening in miraculous ways. . .

they are.

and I got to thinking.

just maybe it's always been backwards.

just maybe it's meant to be absolutely the other way around.

I think it's the windows that He gently pushes shut
so that He can open
vast and expansive doors
to ultimate joy, and eventual (and eternal) happiness. . .

even amid (and perhaps because of) the horrific pain.

just maybe. . .

and by "maybe," I'm sure I mean certainly.

without.a.doubt.

. . .

But I ache over you.

. . .

every moment.
of every.
single.
day.

huppy burfday.

Happy birthday Asher.
we.love.you.

beauty all around.

there is beauty all around.

life.

all the other stuff, is just that.

stuff.

Canon 5d, 50mm 1.2, f1.2, 1/50th, iso 500.

THIS. . .

well . . .

it's what matters.

canon 5d, 50mm 1.2, f 1.2, 1/50th of a second, iso 800

Post edited to include: in answer to a FAQ regarding these camera settings, the iso is "high" because it was nearly dark out. I was focusing manually using the ambient light from the portch camera left. I say "high" because on these newer cameras, iso 800 is still relatively low and even enlarged I'm confident neither image would have significant grain.

pretty day.

I hope your day was as pretty as mine.

Do you see the beauty all around?

It's there. . .
evidence of God's perfect love for his children.

Just open your eyes.

Oh please,
open your eyes.

xx.

N

today.

today.

I will go to the pool.

I will go out shooting just for me.

I will read a good book.

I will light a candle.

I will go to bed early.
(but not before blowing out the candle I lit)

pretty things coming soon.

I miss you.

let's be friends.

lets be facebook friends.
wanna?

http://www.facebook.com/natalienorton

dear boys.

dear boys.

I'm lying in bed.

the sheets are clean,
the room tidy . . .
a full night's rest on the horizon (gasp!).

. . . I'd much prefer you.

I'd much prefer home.

and all the mess,
insanity,
and delirium that comes along with it.

mommy loves you.

times a billion.

xx.

me

how?

My new nemesis.

well, there are two.

one.
how many kids do you have?
(this one's easier, if the asker doesn't follow up)

two.
the follow up:
how old are they?

Suggestions welcome.

xx.

N

ps- vegas is cold.
BUT, I'm happy to be seeing much loved friends.
tonight, dinner with these two.
LOVE THEM.

YOU MUST take a moment to visit their AMAZING BLOG.
Particularly the wonderful post from Justin's trip to Haiti.

one word.

wow.

color swatches and bla bla bla.

I'm such a delinquent blogger this week.

boo on me.

HOW IS IT WEDNESDAY ALREADY??

I'm working like a maniac with my radical designer
on the new branding.

I am starting to loathe my current blog . . .
and how about my NON EXISTENT branding?

bleh . . . so juvenile and amateur.

Can't.finish.this.project.soon.enough.

In the mean time did you see this?

10 Deadly Post Processing Sins

aaaaand I'm leaving for vegas (gag me) tomorrow.

I spy with my little eye.

Heather sent me a link to this photo today
from Anna Kuperberg's blog.

I spy with my little eye, someone who is Natalie?


NO!

It's not me!

But anyone who REALLY knows me,
would swear that it was.

If I didn't know for a fact it wasn't me,
I'd wonder myself.

If you look at the next picture down in the original post,
you can see a "square on" of this mystery lookalike
and she looks NOTHING like me from the front.

at all.

amazing.

GIVEAWAY: gavin's favorite things: the Moby Wrap!

drum roll please. . .
Congratulations Sherry!!!

Um, guys? . . Sherry also happens to be my neighbor. . . and I am her landlord. . . and I SWEAR I did NOT cheat. You can blame Random.org if you smell foul play. I went back and forth over choosing another number, but that would not be fair to Sherry who is oh, so deserving!

Sherry, email me, or uh, come over and I'll get your order in with Abbie at Moby! xx. N

____________________________

This is the first in a series of giveaways coming in the next bit featuring baby Gavin's favorite things. Makes my heart smile to be able to share some things he loved. :)

When I was pregnant with Gavin, a blog reader, Addie sent me a wonderful gift. A Moby Wrap. Never could I have ever known how absolutely treasured it would be! Here is an excerpt from an email I sent her earlier today:

I am so deeply grateful to you for such a wonderful gift. Truly. There was not a single thing I owned for him during those 10 tender weeks we had together that I treasured more than that. Thank you for giving me so many priceless memories with my son. Thank you for helping ensure that I will never regret not holding him more. TRULY.

I am IN LOVE with this baby carrier. It feels like being pregnant, but in all the good ways and none of the horrific. :) It is absolute magic. It allows you to hold your baby in a way that is completely comfortable (and comforting) to you both. Especially if you've got other kids. It allows you to hold baby AND be hands free! AND, it's not HOT like other plastic ish carriers. I am a HUGE fan. HUGE!

Fab for tinies and toddlers alike. . . EVEN TWINS.

OK. I'll stop. ;) But seriously, I can't. Stop. This thing is AWESOME! . . . it'd be a pretty fancy baby shower gift if you don't have midgets of your own. Just sayin'.

To Enter:

1. comment below
2. tweet, facebook, blog about the giveaway
3. come back and comment again with a link to your social media announcement and BAM, you're entered a second time.
4. winner will be announced Monday morning (3/1- where the heck did February go)?

Ta da!

Good luck!

**Post Edited To Include: to clear up some confusion. . . I am NOT giving away Gavin's actual Moby. . . just one like it. :) Thanks to all who expressed concern! HA!