18 March, 2010

sea glass and you.

amid the chaos,
I stopped.

I stopped,
and I collected sea glass. . .

(which no one appreciates as much as your auntie heather and I)


I collected sea glass,
and I thought about you.

and I missed you fiercely.

and I sang.

you are my sunshine,
my only sunshine.
you make me happy when skies are gray...

and I cried.

but just a little.

. . .

I collected, and I sang.

I cried a little and thought.

a lot.

I thought about our Heavenly Father,
about closed doors and open windows.

Because despite the terror of our painful goodbye,
windows are opening in miraculous ways. . .

they are.

and I got to thinking.

just maybe it's always been backwards.

just maybe it's meant to be absolutely the other way around.

I think it's the windows that He gently pushes shut
so that He can open
vast and expansive doors
to ultimate joy, and eventual (and eternal) happiness. . .

even amid (and perhaps because of) the horrific pain.

just maybe. . .

and by "maybe," I'm sure I mean certainly.

without.a.doubt.

. . .

But I ache over you.

. . .

every moment.
of every.
single.
day.

37 comments:

TanuvasaCasa said...

tonight while listening to children's songs on pandora, that song came on. It got me all choked up as I thought of you and Gavin. Nat and Richie, I am so so so sorry for your loss. You and Gavin have touched us all so deeply, I don't think anyone will be the same after hearing your story.

Alex said...

We have never met. We may never meet here, in this world. But my wife and I, we have prayed for you. For your husband. For your treasures. I think about all of you often. You have given me a new outlook on life. And I thank you for that. And then I say a quick prayer for you. So that you may continue to take comfort in the Almighty God that now holds your beloved Gavin, whom you will see again in God's time.

desi said...

hugs hugs and hugs

Beth S said...

Hi Natalie. Still here. Still thinking of you and yours. Sending hugs your way.

Damaris said...

oh Natalie...
I'm still so sad and sorry that things happened the way they did.
I'm always thinking about you.

Pleasant Vonnoh said...

Thank you for being such a wonderful example through your very difficult experience. I love reading your blog.

Anonymous said...

It's so hard to make sense out of such a terrible loss. Oh, Natalie...one day. I pray that one day you will understand God's plan and be rewarded for all of your heart ache.

Amy B. said...

We just lost our little niece, Sage...and the pain is horrific...and I am just the auntie...I am so sorry for your loss and cannot even begin to comprehend how you must feel...but I hope you find peace and understanding...

loves...

Gretchen said...

Natalie,
Your heart helps heal my heart.
Aunt Gretchen

Jenny Bracken said...

HuGs and PrAyErS :)

Jennifer said...

Natalie, you are so inspiring. Your blog is a constant reminder to me to be grateful for the windows God shuts. While I don't believe that God hurts people to teach them a lesson, I believe that he allows it to make them stronger. I'm a total perfectionist and planner. I had the timing down perfectly of when I would have my first baby. I had a miscarriage the first pregnancy. From then on, I kept reminding myself that God is always going to be the one in control and especially when you become a parent you just lose total control! I'm so glad you have a strong relationship with God and that your eyes are open to the doors that God widens for you like open arms.

Hil said...

So beautiful. Big hug!

Quinn said...

Thanks for your insight, I really needed to hear this today. Constant thoughts and prayers with you and your family.

sheena said...

natalie this is beautiful. you really never cease to amaze me!! someday we will meet--I am sure of it. until then I am saving up the biggest hug for you!

Autumn said...

You have such a beautiful way with words, my heart is in my throat reading them. My sons name is Gavin. When I read your sons name I imagine my own and I can only imagine your pain. Your strength and courage is so inspiring to me. Bless you and your family. I'm praying for you all.

jodiraineparker.blogspot.com said...

I wonder if His heart aches over us as much as our hearts ache over the ones we desperately love...I am certain that it does.

His grace pours over the souls of the brokenhearted and holds us closer still.

Love you Natalie and praying over you and yours.

~Raine~
XOXO

oneshotbeyond said...

Your writings are so healing for lots of people Natalie...and I hope mostly they truly help you.

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure God exists but I believe in the human spirit and you are one beautiful human being. I have been following your blog and have great admiration of your faith. I am so lucky to have my children and you remind me of what I have every single day. I ache over you and other parents who have lost their children.

Rae said...

I second Tanuvasa Casa's comment. Loving you and praying for you.

Truly Silkes said...

How brave you are. I admire your strength, totally. I hope eventually the ache numbs and the joy that you had him prevails. We had him. Thank you for sharing :-)
Silke

Susan said...

I think you understand better than anyone I've ever met about the Plan of Happiness, and our Heavenly Father's love for us. You remain truly inspiring. Thank you.

Sarahzina said...

My friend sang "You are My Sunshine" at my babies funeral. It makes me smile and cry whenever my 4 year old sings it to me!!

Kristine from Canada said...

:( :( :(
I know that wasn't meant to be sad but I know that heartache and I wish I could take it away for you
Huge Hugs
K

Anonymous said...

oxoxox! My son is two weeks older than Gavin. His actual due date is when Gavin was born. He came two weeks early. I don't know what or how I would feel if something was to happen to him but I feel for you. Thank you for sharing. My heart swells up when I think of how u must be feeling. Thank you for helping me realized deeply the power of prayer. He answers!
-Maly Central Coast CA

a mermaid said...

your posts always touch me so deeply it's almost sacrilegious to comment because it's so personal, but i just had to thank you. love you. and sea glass. count me in that sea glass club. love it.

The Shoemate's said...

My eyes filled with tears as I read this post. I cant imagine your pain and please dont think that for a moment that I feel my "scare" begins to touch what you and your family live with.
I used to love that song. I can remember my mom singing it to me. I think almost everyday while I was pregnant I sang that song to Anna. I didnt know the whole song. I just sang the first verse or maybe its the verse that everyone knows. But everyday I sang it to her and always ended with a short sincere prayer.
I had to be induced when I was pregnant with her...things happened, then didnt happen and the next thing I know Im being rushed down the hall to the OR. For a few moments, my whole world seemed to be crashing down. All I could think was "no, not my baby, please dont take her". I remember shaking and wanting to cry but not wanting to show my husband how scared I was. Because I knew he was scared and he was trying to be strong. Then it hit me. i calmed down. I was still scared. I was still so very very scared. But I calmed down. Because I started singing to her. I started singing this song.
It was few weeks later, while holding her, while singing this song (verse) to her that I decided I needed to learn the rest of the song. I thought there has to be more. I cried when I heard it.
I still sing that song to her. I only sing the first verse.
Again, Im not compairing my few fleeting moments during an emergency close to what you and the many many others out there have endured. I dont pretend to think that I can even comprehend. Because I cant, I dont want to comprehend. Those few moments still tear at my heart (along with one other Anna "scare").
You are such a strong woman. Such a strong wife. Such a strong mother. I know you arent the only one who endures this pain. I know there are others that endure it as well. And everytime that I thank God for my daughter I also pray for the mommies and daddies who have a child/children in heaven.
thank you for sharing. love, Tex.

shelly said...

Been thinking of him so, so much today, and then I read this. All I can say to you through my tears is, I love you, and am oh, so very grateful that you put into words how I'm feeling. Love you with everything...

Bridget said...

Beautiful. The more I read you, the more I like you. The more I'm reminded of the depths of my own grief. And how it used to be when it was oh so fresh. Many hugs for you and your boys.

cassi said...

lots of love to you!
still thinking about you guys and keeping you in my prayers.

Doin' It Digital (Shannon C.) said...

Teary. You are so incredible! I think about you every single day. You have helped me view things so differently. Gavin is so lucky to have you forever!!!

lisa said...

once again, your post is so moving. the raw emotion that you so willingly share in the face of the unimaginable fills me with wonder and humility.
i used to sing that same song over my daughter, bay's, bed as she (twice) recovered from heart surgery. so much sadness for what we've been through, and so much happiness for what is left....
i think we will be meeting , and am looking forward to it.

Wendy Laurel said...

Natalie,
you are crazy brave. You are strong. You are inspiring. You make others feel. You are a mom. My heart breaks for you
and your family. Your words speak to me.

Much aloha
wendy ( photographer, Maui, mother)
wendylaurel.com

Kaila said...

wanted to leave a song that I though might bless your heart as much as it does mine- Glory Baby by Watermark
Praying for you

Heather said...

You are still in my prayers :) I think about you and your sweet boy often and my heart goes out to you. You are just incredible.

Lindy said...

You always have me in tears. You are so strong amidst such deep pain.

Natalie. said...

oh Tex. . .

Amy said...

Tears... you are a strong mother and such an inspiration to me, I am going through some tough things right now, but I always feel someone has it worse. You are helping through my hard times, and your faith in the atonement show very clearly to me! Thank you!