23 April, 2010

today I ran.

today I was mad.


it was ugly and uncomfortable.

I ran.

I ran.
and I ran.

pounded.my.feet into the pavement.

why was my face was so wet?

the sweat.
the tears.
the pouring rain.

I pushed the stroller haphazardly into the driveway and ran right on.

sprinting now.

I knew exactly where I was headed.

and when I got there,
the gate was closed.

it was locked.

WHY do they lock it?
WHY do they try keep me from him?
from them?

I stopped.

I kicked the gate.


In broad daylight.
there were people around.
I kicked the gate.


heaving sobs.

then I wiped my sweaty, teary, rainy face,
turned, and trotted on home.

I fed my children tv dinners and sent them off to bed.

I am happy.

and sleepy.

and my tummy is FILLED to the brim with cherry tomatoes.
(which I will likely regret in the morning)

you just have to RUN.





laney said...

I have been reading your blog since you lost your precious Gavin. I have always wanted to comment, but never knew what to say. This post I can just feel your emotion...your frustration of what you have gone through and it hurts to see you in going through this pain.
Natalie, thank you...I love reading your blog...you are an inspiration. The strength you have is so incredible. You and your family will always be in my thoughts and prayers.

shari berry bo-berry said...

GOOD FOR YOU, MAMA! Kick that gate 1,000 times if you need to!

Be mad.

You're allowed to be.

Be sad.

You're DEFINITELY allowed to be.

Let yourself breathe and exhale the pain.

xoxo from HB

Rachel said...

Glad you had your cherry tomatoes. ((Hugs))

Kelly said...

Love you, my "virtual friend". (((HUGS))) Prayers this morning especially for you.

Kerri said...

Yup. Sometimes running is the only answer. But I'm sorry the gate was locked.

brigette said...

Good for you!! I am sorry for your awful situation though. Its not fair that any of us had to burry our babies and you have every right in the world to be mad!! I am so sorry that the gate was locked I know he saw you from above though thinking of him!! Sending many hugs!!

Amy B. said...

Blasted Gate!

Wendy Laurel said...

i'm so sorry....love you..

Vivianne said...

I'm a teenager that sits on a computer everyday at school from 12:17 till 1:47 in photo class. I am constantly on the look out for great photography to just get inspired and find new ideas. Late October I stumbled upon your blog and I fell in love with your work. I constantly would check you website out for new photography to see your talent at work. I soon discovered your blog entries were more, much more than amazing photographs. I saw and could feel your emotions desperately expressed though your blog entries and was amazed at the emotion and passion you put into your work and your passion. I must admit and add that I dreaded the long hour in photo but now I blissfully look forward to reading about your experiences! Thank you for sharing this and everything more! You are in many prayers out there! Blessings & peace to your heart and soul.

Kalli said...

Ugh. That sounds horrible. But to brighten your day I wanted to end your "9 thoughts" streak. And push it to ten. I hope your day goes better. Remember there are a lot of people looking to you and rooting for you. You can get mad and cry and kick, and tv dinner the heck out of your kids. But you are still a hero to so many. Most importantly your family. You go, girl. What a journey.

Omi said...

Prayers going up for you - today especially. You're entitled to get mad sometimes - and to kick locked gates.

Love & Blessings,

Annie Link said...

Mad is good. So happy it's outta you now.

loving you with all my heart, my baby girl

Heather said...

So sorry that stupid gate was locked! How rude.

Running is such a release. I love a good run.

We stuffed our faces with cherry tomatoes at dinner tonight. They are good little things :)

And you are so entitled to be mad. Don't you feel bad about that. :)


Love 'n Light said...

My heart goes out to you Natalie...I can't imagine what you're going through but I feel your pain and will keep you in my prayers!

Love and Light Nat 0X :~)

Anonymous said...

Running helps relieve stress and it's so good for you! Let it be what drains your energy so you're too tired to think and able to get some precious sleep at times like that.

EJNielsen said...

I was thinking of you and Gavin while bathing my third child, my three week old son. I held him extra close as he feel asleep. Lots of hugs to you!

Fran said...

Running is always good for the soul!

Mariko said...

It's too bad that people have to be around during mad running. It's like they're getting into your business just by being outside.

Natalie. said...


Totally laughed out loud at that! HA!

eatrunliveCBUS said...

I gave you a blog award because I love to read your words. Your honest brings tears to my eyes and your photos warm my heart.


Naomi said...

Praise the Lord for exercise! I walked A LOT!!!!! when I felt what you feel.

Anonymous said...


I found your blog through DPS some time ago (maybe a whole year ago already!) and have been reading like an addict ever since then. :) Your openness and vulnerability and willingness to give and love and share is so inspiring to me!!! Thank you for it all. you are wonderful (and SO talented).

Xoxo, Lydia

Stephanie said...

hey nat i was thinking about you tonight- LOVE YOU! steph

Nathan Williams said...

Hey Natalie,

We had a lot of fun with the wedding style photo shoot yesterday!
We're excited to see how they turned out!


Nate and Katie Williams

Leisa Tapia said...

Oh Natalie-

I'm so sorry for the bad days. I'm sure you have many more than we all know. I'm so sorry for your pain, and your sorrow... all that your heart feels for your little Gavin and brother Gavin that you are separated from. I can't even begin to pretend to know what you feel or experience each day.
But nonetheless... my prayers and hopes of peace from the spirit are still with you.

It was good to see you the other day... you look amazing. Beautiful.

And yes, sometimes, you just have to run. :)


Susan Morse said...

I read somewhere that you should memorize at least one poem in your lifetime...thought i would share mine with you! I hope enjoy...and remember at least one line from it one day...somehow i find comfort if i just recite one line!!
You are a strong and amazing person!! And i pray for you and your family always!


By Ella Wheeler Wilcox

I will not doubt, though all my ships at sea
Come drifting home with broken masts and sails;
I shall believe the Hand which never fails,
From seeming evil worketh good for me;
And though I weep because those sails are battered,
Still will I cry, while my best hopes lie shattered,
I trust in Thee.

I will not doubt, though all my prayers return
Unanswered from the still, white Realm above;
I shall believe it is an all-wise Love
Which has refused those things for which I yearn;
And though at times I cannot keep from grieving,
Yet the pure ardour of my fixed believing
Undimmed shall burn.

I will not doubt, though sorrows fall like rain,
And troubles swarm like bees about a hive;
I shall believe the heights for which I strive
Are only reached by anguish and by pain;
And though I groan and tremble with my crosses,
I yet shall see, through my severest losses,
The greater gain.

I will not doubt; well-anchored in the faith,
Like some staunch ship, my soul braves every gale;
So strong its courage that it will not fail
To breast the mighty unknown sea of Death.
Oh, may I cry when body parts with spirit,
I do not doubt, so listening worlds may hear it,
With my last breath.

Kristine from Canada said...

Oh Natalie,
Huge hugs :(
Stupid gate!
stupid Stupid gate