20 January, 2010

what to say?

I just don't know.
My tongue is tied.

Oy oy oy.

My brain won't SHUT UP.

It's reeling all day every day.


I keep feeling like it must be a defense mechanism
of some horrific variety.

Like your brain says to itself
"maybe if I just keep being as obnoxious as humanly possible,
and keep full of STUPID, TRIVIAL things,
she won't have to feel the hurt."

Well thank you brain.

But guess what?
I'm a big girl.
And this hurt?
Well we face it now or we face it later,
and I have a sense that the longer we wait,
the UGLIER it's gonna become.

so please.


I've had enough outta you.


Jamie said...

oh natalie. i am praying for some peace for you. just know that you are surrounded by people that love and care for you and your family very much...even if we have never met you.

you are a very strong woman!

Anonymous said...

oh nat...i feel like a broken record, but know we love you richie and your boys so much.

Mrs. Sullivan said...

Natalie - I don't know you, and I've gone back and forth so many times as to whether or not I should post, but I want to tell you that I admire your strength, your faith, and your passion for your family. After reading your posts, both current and past, it almost seems that baby Gavin was called to keep Gavin company, so as to hold a piece of his family near. I honestly believe that your experiences are a true testament to your faith in the eyes of so many. You keep saying that you feel the prayers and well wishes and love from all of those who leave messages here...I don't know how a person couldn't feel that...being wrapped in the arms of the One who loves us most. My heart breaks for you, and at the same time I feel joy for the faith that you persist in holding on to so tightly. My thoughts and prayers are with you...

Brandi said...

We must be grieving the same...Or we think a lot alike. Hang in there you will soon be too tired to think.

Unknown said...

yes, the times when sleep is what you look forward to...but then sometimes the dreams are horrible.

i love your honesty.

Marci said...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts as you go through this all. You are amazing and I'm sure are helping/will help others who also have to experience such devastating loss. You are an inspiration to me and you and your family continue to be in my prayers!

Stacy Nicole (SNL) said...

Your words help so many not just your own healing but so many more. You and your family remain in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs

Snapshotsofhappiness said...

I pray for you and your family daily. I am sure there are others hurting like you and your honesty and strength are helping them. Hugs!

Heather said...

I am praying for you!

Tracy said...

You have really touched my heart during your horrible ordeal with Gavin, and I have wept tears of sorrow for you! I pray you have peace and comfort now and in the days to come.

Silisia said...

One step at a time, one day at a time, God is good, but pain hurts.
"From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I." Psalms 61:2

Melody said...

I saw something on tv today that I thought was really beautiful and I knew I should remember it because someone might want to hear it. A lady on tv said "Losing someone is never easy. But one day you will think of them and it won't hurt anymore. You will just be happy." I really hope that day comes soon for you but in reality, I don't think it will. I don't know how long it takes to stop hurting after you lose a child. Maybe it never stops. I don't really know. I had a miscarriage and I just know it isn't even close. Mine was early so I never even felt him. I miss not being able to ever know him on earth but it just is not the same. I like to think that day when you stop hurting will come but maybe someday you will have more happiness than pain. I think that might be good enough. With God's help all things are possible though!

Ann and James said...

you dont know me, but i just came across your blog tonight and i just wanted to tell you how deeply sorry i am. my son is 6 months old and his name just happens to be gavin bruce. i feel, on some level, connected to your story through this coincidence and want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. i could never imagine going through what you have and will be going through, but want you to know i admire your strength. i know that words are of little comfort but i just couldn't come on here, read your story, your thoughts and battles without letting you know that i have been touched by it all and my heart truly aches for you and your family at this time. thank you for sharing these very personal thoughts. you have really helped to remind me to cherish every moment of every day and take nothing for granted. thank you.

Kellie said...

Hi Natalie, I just came across your blog through flickr. I am so sick to click here and read of what has happened to you and your family and your baby boy. You're probably not into reading other people's blogs these days, but my friend Molly Jackson lost her little girl who was around the same age as Gavin, 2 years ago. She blogged through the whole thing, I don't know if it would help, but I know she found comfort in those who could understand her loss. Her blog is http://jacksonparkcity.blogspot.com ...she is also LDS, so she had a lot of your same thoughts. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. And once again, I am reminded to count my blessings and hold my girls a little tighter. thank you for sharing.

Kellie said...

Also, Molly has a website called www.agoodgrief.com for when you need it. {hug}

Unknown said...

Natalie, I lost sweet Cora in December at 5 days old. I can't truly know how you feel. But, I am here to listen and try to understand. From your tweets and posts, I can tell your a beautiful person with a beautiful soul. Should you want to reach out email. I'll be following along and here every step of the way.

Anonymous said...

oh boy oh boy oh boy do i know that feeling! brains are good like that. but, like you said, sooner or later....reality...etc etc. you are wondrous. amazing beautiful incredible glorious.
so much love from sydney to hawaii

Courteney Miller said...

Once again Natalie, you are a true inspiration and an amazing woman with a great big beautiful soul! I talked about your faith filled blog posts to some of my bible study friends and now they follow your blog like me every step of the way. You give so much hope to thos who may be going through the same things as you and your family and to others who just need to remember that our good Lord will always be there to protect and keep us. I love this scripture and it describes you to me..."I am at rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; my stronghold; I will never be shaken. Psalm 62:1-2. Hang in there...many many angels are holding you and your family in the palm of their hands.

TLCbull said...

I heard this song by Whitney Houston on the radio this morning and thought of you and your Eternal Faith.

I Look To You Lyrics

As I lay me down
Heaven hear me now
I’m lost without a cause
After giving it my all

Winter storms have come
And darkened my sun
After all that I’ve been through
Who on earth can I turn to?

I look to you,
I look to you
After all my strength is gone
In you I can be strong
I look to you,
I look to you
And when melodies are gone In you I hear a song
I look to you

Have to lose my breath
There's no fighting left
Sinking to rise no more
Searching for that open door

And every road that I've taken
Led to my regret
And I don't know if I'm go'n make it
Nothing to do but lift my head


My levees are broken
My walls are coming down on me
My rain is falling
Defeat is calling
I need you to set me free
Take me far away from the battle
I need you
Shine on me!


Thank you for sharing. Your faith feeds my soul. May God continue to keep you, and bring you peace.

Unknown said...

Praying for you. Praying hard. Really hard. During the really rough times this is what happens to me. In fact, the day Gavin died I couldn't sleep for you. My brain wouldn't shut up either.

Hope you are getting some sleep. That is most important. It is a good healing agent for our hearts and our minds. If you are having a hard time, call your doctor and ask for something to help....

Love you...to the moon and back.

Jennifer said...

Hi Natalie,

As is the case with many of the people who have posted on your blog, you don't know me. I live in Calgary and found your blog through a friend of mine who put out the word for us to pray for little Gavin. You have such strength in the face of disaster...you are truly an inspiration to me.

I wanted to share something with you...my best friend had a baby on the 20th of January...a little boy. You can imagine my surprise when her husband called to let us know he had arrived and told me his name... Gavin David...I think I lost my breath for a minute. She knew nothing of your story, but I believe that God does work in mysterious ways. I have been torn with sharing this with you, as I didn't know how it would make you feel, but today I just felt compelled to share. May God bless you and your family during this difficult time.