26 January, 2010

boobies and blankets.

yesterday night,
we came home to Raleigh,
asleep in our bed,
clutching Gav's baby blanket to his cheek.

I got the lump.

this afternoon,
Lincoln came up to me,
sat on my lap and stared at my boobs.

"mommy? is there still milk in your boobies?"

"no lincoln, there is not."

I got the lump.

uh still the throat kind, not the breast kind.

just thought I should clarify
because we were talking about boobs
so some confusion would only be natural.

seems like I get the lump a lot these days.


C'est la vie.


Unknown said...

love you. on a happier note, glad to hear your milk isn't causing such a ruckus for you...and that they aren't 'lumpy'. loves to you mucho mucho.

FootPrints said...

Natalie - i wanna give you the biggest hug! funny think is...i may need it more than you - ha ha...i guess that's what happens when any mommy reads your thoughts. i am still praying for you...and those lumps :)

SNS said...

hang in there dear, and keep writing. sometimes writing can be amazing therapy.

merideth said...

wow i think i get a lump in the throat with every entry i read from you.
so beautiful. so real.

Amy Gregory said...

You are soooo amazing. You make me laugh & cry. Those two emotions are so close sometimes. You are touching so many lives! Love you & your family. So so sorry for all you have to go through. You're in our constant prayers!

Buckland Family said...

I get the lump just reading that. I love you tons and am still praying for you.

Allison said...

Oh man! Hang in there. More of those to come, I'm sure but you're awesome and strong and faithful and. . . lots more.

Anonymous said...

your faith in God amazes me. Since discovering the blog world I have cried more than I can ever remember in my entire life (56 years). I have also gained strength in knowing so many have such a strong faith in God no matter their circumstance. You have so much love and support thank God for that. I hope the days get easier and lumps not so frequent but that will take a very long time. I'm praying for you and your family day and night.

Lara said...

Aww the precious boys. The lumps may come and go but these moments are too precious. They love and miss their brother too. Stay strong and our prayers are still with you!

Anonymous said...

the lumps stay with you, I'm glad you're talking about them and "feeling" the emotions that come with them-that means your healing is in progress...that's the best anyone can hope for. Your boys are lucky to have such a strong mommy!

Scott & Tami said...

I got the lump...and a bawling face. Luv u

jlydia said...

continually praying for you and the fam! God bless you! you are so strong and faithful!you're so amazing!He is so amazing! hugs!

Bri!!! said...

I got the lump just reading about what you wrote. My prayer is that those will become fewer and fewer and that your heart can be healed.

Anonymous said...

I wanted you to know that I am still thinking of you.

Your friend in NY

Rebecca Waldron said...

It was so nice to see you yesterday. You are amazing. I'm happy you have such adorable boys to keep you company and make you smile.

Crissie said...

Oh Natalie - I barely know where to start... I came to your blog from Ms. Emi Ruth's blog and my heart is aching for you right now. That lump is awful and terrible - burning and choking.

You've inspired me with your incredible faith. For some reason, I'm in that phase where I'm questioning my faith because things are still so difficult. I guess I don't so much question my testimony, I'm just convinced that if my faith was strong enough, my grief wouldn't still be so raw. Reading your words tonight really brought comfort to me.


Erin said...

(big exhale...) wow. What an amazing mother, what an amazing blog. The entry about your son's last moments was so very, very familar, having had our own very similar PICU last moments with Charlotte almost a year ago. Sending you prayers.

The Brandt Family said...

so a friend suggested i take a peek at your blog, and wow, i am not quite sure what to say. first of all, i am so deeply sorry for your incredible loss. second of all, thank you. thank you. thank you. for your words, every one of them. i love them. you are truely inspiring. we too, had to bid a temporary farewell-to our precious little girl in november. a lot of your words are feeling all too familiar. my heart aches for you. i pray that you continue to find peace in the beautiful plan of salvation and eternal families. i agree. God IS good. so good. He is all knowing. He is all powerful. He does not let anything or anyONE slip through the cracks. i don't even know you, but i just want to say how great i think you are. i can feel how pure you are. what a wonderful mother you are. how lucky your children are to have such a mommy for eternity.
my sincere condolences,

stef j. said...

i never know what to say so i haven't been saying anything and basically avoid the entire topic... THE topic... whenever i have communication with you...

but i'm still praying constantly. and addi, most every prayer, still blesses "auntie nat and baby gavin all better".

i love you tons. and sorry about the lumps. i wish i could help, or do something. so i'll just love ya to bits...

Nettie said...

all the love I can offer, is comming your way. Carried on the wings of my prayers... I hope you can feel how much I care. ~Nettie

Ams said...


Annie Link said...

ok. now my heart is purely and finally broken.
I need to hold those boys, Natty Gann.

But mostly I need to hold you.
And kiss your forehead.
Rock you for a bit.
(And maybe while i did, you could let go and be a little less brave. just for a tiny moment or two)

I love you sweetheart.
Wish I could take away some of the lumps.
more than anything I wish for this


Kiera said...

You are so sweet. Truly.