17 October, 2008

Dear You.

Dear You,

I really missed you tonight.
I sat in the dark and watched the
video slide show I put together for your funeral.
I cried of course.
A lot.

In fact I'm still crying now. Of course. A lot.
Sometimes the reality of me, here, without you,
is frankly stark and disgusting.

It all came on while I was singing Cardon to sleep.
Sunshine on My Shoulder.
I feel you in the words of that song,
but why am I telling you what I'm sure you already know?
I felt you with me as I listened to that song the day after you died.
It was unmistakable.
That is how I KNOW you live on.

"If I had a day that I could give you, I'd give to you a day just like today."

I know that if you could, you'd give me every day.
Every, perfect, sunny day. Full of warmth and love.

So on I go.

Living every sunny day to the fullest I know how.
Trying to spread love, compassion and joy about as you did.

I miss you in a way that's heavy and perverse
yet somehow bearable as I look forward to seeing you again,
throwing my arms around your neck . . .

and never letting go.

I love you brother. SO.VERY.MUCH.



**Thank you Kevin for sending that picture! As the family photographer, I am NEVER on the other side of the camera. Each image I have of he and I is like a basket full of diamonds. Thank you so much!
I love you!


Anonymous said...

Natalie, I was just racking my brain, trying to remember if I took that picture, but I couldn't place it. I'm so happy Kevin did -- and it's a beauty! Please know that eveyone who loved Gavin thinks of your heartache send their love to you constantly -- spirit to spirit. I'm so happy you know that he loves you back....SO VERY MUCH.

I'm so happy you put your thoughts down in such a beautiful way -- your boys will remember and know him through you. I love you!

Kelli Eudis said...

I don't know you or your brother of course, but it still brings tears to my eyes. You always write so beautifully about him. You can tell in your words how special you are to one another.

Jessica said...

My heart hurts for you, beautifully said. I was reading President Monson's talk yesterday and it made me cry. For anyone that has experienced loss can just soak up his words. Your words kinda reminded me of what he said.

Arica said...

i second what kelli had to say. i only met you and your brother briefly while in hawaii once upon a time, and you are both such magical people. my heart goes out to you natalie.

Jody said...

I just want to say "I'm so sorry for your loss". And I'm glad for the remembrance you hold dear and close.

Bless you.

Anonymous said...

I am so sad for you, Natalie. And for everyone who knew your brother because he sounds like he probably lit up a lot of peoples' lives. And, I hope that my daughter and son will be as close as you and Gavin so obviously were.

Anonymous said...

Gavtron rocks!

I love you Girlfriend.

Rachel said...

Natalie... I just came across your amazing blog. You are so inspiring. It is so refreshing to read your words. I know you miss gavin... I can only imagine. I want you to know, he is in my thoughts more often than i can believe. What a guy. I am thinking of you and your family often and want you to know that I am mindful of you and your family. You will be in my prayers. It is so good running into you. I absolutely love your photography. You have great talent. Keep in touch,

Carly Johnston said...

I am so sorry to hear about Gavin. I had no idea. I know you were so close! Drop me a line and let me know how you are!

You are an amazing girls miss photographer you.


Anonymous said...

Thank you, Sis. You two were the dynamic duo. And I love you both, so much. Your beautiful spirit helps make Gav's absence a little easier. I couldn't do it without you and your light. I love you.

Scott & Tami said...

Nat-I'm coming to say hi next year...May or Juneish...I can't wait!!! I hope you won't be at some high-paid photo shoot somewhere on the other side of the world!!! You are amazing and I can't wait to see your face....in person!!!

Scott & Tami said...

ps...you are such a strong person and inspire so many on so many different levels...I love you girl!

Anonymous said...

Hi Natalie,

We met briefly at wppi earlier this year. I was the girl that gave you a hug after you spoke to Jesh about your brother. We were going to have dinner with your other friends, but along the way, I saw some of my old friends and we parted ways. I regret that I missed out on that dinner because I knew it would be an amazing exchange. Since that day, I've wanted to email and write you, but I didn't take the moment. I am now, on this post, because I remember what you said that day about your brother. That he had the same outlook on life as Jesh was describing and even though you were crying, you were extremely happy.

I'll never forget that.

A hug from me you to you.


Anonymous said...

This is a lovely tribute. Thank you for sharing.