05 July, 2010

and then the sun comes up.

it hurts to think about what we've been through.

so. . .
often we don't.

think about it.

at all.

but today,
as we creep toward that milestone that is 6 months . . .

we hurt.

all of us do.

we lie in our tent at night and I'm glad it's dark.
so the kids won't see the tears in my eyes.

and I know they're in Richie's too.

we talk about him.

we answer their questions.

and then they fall into peaceful sleep,
because their faith is so wonderfully perfect and pure.

I try so hard to be like them.

and then in the quiet of the night,
I find myself alone with my thoughts.

about his little hands.

his perfect little belly button.

his full, pouty lips.

and those eyes.

calm.
full of love . . .
and trust.

and now you're gone.

and my arms,
well they're empty.

and my heart,
well . . .

it hurts.

and that hurt won't ever go away.

I cry silent tears of sorrow.

. . . mingled with tender gratitude.

for all I have left. . .
for all he's given us.

and then the sun comes up.

as it always does.

as it always will.

23 comments:

JAR Photography & Design said...

Chills... :(

Kerri said...

Praying for you and all of your family again. I hope the grief is matched by love and peace.

Watson Family said...

Praying for you all. XO

Sarie said...

Natalie, this is so beautiful. Our thoughts turn to Gavin because of the beauty with which you write. All of us, collectively thinking of him. Mixed with the beauty of our own children. It's nice to think of all those lovely thoughts floating upward toward him.

Andrea said...

Seriously so amazed that you have such a strong spirit. I hope that I will be able to handle all that I have like you handle what you have been given. Sending you hugs!

jefferies said...

We're going on 11 months of loosing our baby...and I know how you feel. It will always hurt. Even with faith, it will always hurt. My heart goes out to you, always.

Amelia Kate said...

This is all beautiful. But the last 3 lines are the most breathtaking.

FootPrints said...

everytime you post i read them to my husband. because after reading each one - we are better parents. gentle reminders that our children are a gift. a gift that our father owns and has sent to us to care for...even if it's for a short time.

Anonymous said...

My mom passed away 8 years ago (when I was 15) and holidays are always hard for me so in some way I know how you feel. Since I came across your blog a little over 6 months ago, I have been praying for your family. You are certainly strong and a great mother. God bless!

Buckland Family said...

:( Breaks my heart!

Jana Neser said...

Natalie, because my sweet baby Jay was born the day you lost your sweet baby Gavin I always think of you and your family when we come upon his "month birthdays." I think of how those days must be extra hard for you, so I say an extra prayer for you. And I kiss my baby an extra time or two also. Thank you for your perfect example of faith. I feel so blessed because I know the Norton family! Lots of love xoxo

Bridget said...

"and then the sun comes up. as it always does. as it always will."

So so so true. The hurt does ease with time. I can think about my Evan now and see his photo on the wall and even talk details about that terrible day with my emotions in check. It's been almost 2 years.

I'm oddly grateful for our link to eternity through Evan. And I find myself anxiously waiting for the Son to come up. As He did once before. As He promised He will again. To reunite us.

Natalie. said...

Bridget,

That is beautiful.

Rachel said...

i think about you daily. you truly are an inspiration.

Kindsay and Erik said...

Natalie. I love you and I love your heartfelt posts! You are such a beautiful example to everyone.

Scott & Tami said...

Thinking of you....love you!

Amanda said...

precious thoughts. thanks for sharing.

Tasha said...

You are amazing. As always, thinking of you and your family.

Laura Reaux said...

So many tears flowing down my face. Tears of sorrow for you, of pain that I can only imagine, and of gratefulness of what I have. Praying that God sends something special your way today. I don't know what. Just something to make smile.

Tara Winsor said...

Praying for you. This post brought tears to my eyes, and pulled oh so fully at my heart. Your faith, your strength, your openness, you. Are amazing. I hope that you can find something to make you smile during hard times.

marta said...

i have been thinking of you recently miss natalie. you share your thoughts so bravely and lovely. i recently suffered a miscarriage and felt courageous enough to share it on my blog; it was such a healing thing to start to write about it and express my feelings. thank YOU for being such an inspirational mama. i pray for you. am inspired by your seeing the sunny side of things. xo.

Kristin said...

Hugs and prayers for your whole family! I pray that each tear and moment of heartbreak saves another precious little life. Gavin may be gone from your arms but he is saving so many others from losing their little ones.<3

Mama Laura said...

Our losses are different in detail, but I too lost a son, and hit the 6 month milestone earlier this month. This post summed up so much of what I've been feeling.

Hugs to you. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hate knowing that anyone in the world has to feel this pain.