23 May, 2010

3 beautiful little reasons to rejoice.



this cell phone pic was either taken the day you went into the hospital,
or the one before.

I honestly thought you had just a sniffle.

I honestly thought we'd be home in a day.

__________________________________

Today.

Today I stopped by 3 different friends houses
to see their beautiful new babies.

they are each so.wonderful.

all girls. :)
someone has to balance the universe for us, after all.

such a beautiful reminder of what really matters.
all that really matters in the end.

I held evelin (pronounced eve lin)
while mommy stepped into the other room.

I held her little tummy against my chest.

her tiny head laying just under my chin. . .
the smell of Heaven still fresh in her thick, dark hair.

and for 30 seconds I closed my eyes.

for 30 seconds, I allowed myself to
just.play.pretend.

and it was a heavenly hell all wrapped up
into 30 terrifyingly beautiful seconds.

and I remembered what it felt like to be "us."

you and I.

and then, I remembered again what it felt like to just be "me."
as if I could ever really forget.

but only for now.
it's only just me for now.

"only for now."

I repeated in my head as I quickly wiped my tears.

this is after all a happy time.

3 beautiful little reasons to rejoice.


49 comments:

Debbie said...

Oh Natalie, bless you, that is such a sad post, all the more so because you are trying to be strong. Sending you hugs, because they do help.

Shari said...

thank you for your posts. thank you for sharing such tender and raw emotions.

you are an incredible woman and i want you to you know are loved, so! much!

xoxo,

shari in HB

Hil said...

Sending hugs your way! It will be a beautiful day when you and your sweet little boy are reunited. Thank you for sharing.

shelly said...

I love you, Natalie. I love Richie. I love Gavin. I love Lincoln. I love Cardon. I love Raleigh. You're just all a whole lotta love all wrapped into one. Eternally.

Watson Family said...

You always make me cry! :) Always praying for you....

JAR Photography & Design said...

Oh girl, I ache for you... BIG HUG coming your way.

Hadley's said...

You are simply AMAZING and I am so grateful for you and who you are. You are constantly in my prayers and on the prayer roll in the St.George temple.

Ashley said...

I can't even begin to imagine what you live through every day. You are amazing. xoxoxo

Kristen said...

That picture is precious.

Would you do it again? Have another baby? And take the chance of losing him again?

I'm not trying to be horrible. I really need to know.

Love you!

Natalie. said...

Kristen,

I really don't know. I think about it almost every day. It's terrifying, isn't it?

kimsueellen said...

I love you.

When we lost our baby, I remember doing this same thing when my friends had babies. I would beg to hold, as my arms felt so empty at times.

Bawling here.

And Kristen, I can tell you from experience, at least my own...(only my own) that it is so so so so scary to have another baby, but for us, it has been healing, and all the more sweet to know we will see the one we lost again.

Huggs all around, and thank you for a beautiful post.

Truly Silkes said...

I love that you go out and cuddle babies. I imagine it's so difficult, when I try to stand in your shoes. You cuddle babies and allow that special scent to rise into your nose. Oh that scent.
Hugs to you! Cuddle-power!

Jenn said...

Ladies, I know none of you and yet I am inspired by your strength. You are indeed women of faith.

Momma Lioness Michele said...

This photo is so, so precious. My thoughts are with you and your family. You are incredibly strong. Wishing you peace.

Melinda said...

Tears for you! Thanks for sharing. Hugs.

Nettie said...

Natalie. Thank you for perspective. I just found out I am expecting, (a big surprise) I was angry. I was anything but excited. But now after only a few words, you have given me hope. That everything will work out. *hugs* all the way from St George Ut..

Camille said...

You have a beautiful connection with your little Gavin. I can tell just through your expression of words. I can't wait for the day you (all of you) are reunited once again!

Singers said...

Thank you. For sharing the hurt. The Real. And Oh, THE FAITH! I never imagined feeling the spirit that binds us all as Children of God over the internet. I have held a little longer, played more and loved deeper BECAUSE.OF.YOU.

liko said...

love babies!!!
and yeah, you are blessed with a body that can have more!!
and i really like how you pointed out the correct pronunciation of evelin's name. heehee. just to clarify...for rachel's sake..:-)

HayleeS said...

Natalie,

That picture is just precious. Im kinda new to reading your blog, but I love love everything you write. It is so beautifully written and so truthful and not sugar-coated like so many things are. I pray for your family everyday. I hope you have a great week.

blessings,
Haylee

Trana Family said...

Natalie, he is beautiful! Thank you for sharing so much of yourself... I am now 16 weeks pregnant and because of you my husband received his pertussis vaccine today. Thank you for sharing!

Rach said...

Oh Natalie, you are the truest friend. to come over & let me tortue you while you bless our family with your talents. I love you.

lead said...

I never thought of it before but new babies must smell like heaven. I am sure of it! Still praying for you every day.

Kristen said...

Me again. Thanks for your honesty!

Kimsueellen, thank you too. We've had more babies too, it makes a world of difference. Doesn't replace, but helps heal. And we just found out that our first baby's problem is probably genetic. Probably? How, oh how, do we do it again? Natalie, I brought this up with you because I see your faith. I have family to talk to about the future but they don't really know the depth of the pain. Or the depth of the peace. Peace, but can I really do it again?

I know, this just turned selfish. Thank you for putting yourself out there for us. I'll leave you alone now. =o)

Rachel said...

Natalie... I hurt for you. I am so sorry you have to go through something like that. Honestly you have been in my thoughts since the day I found out about your sweet little guy. You probably don't know, but I am pregnant and have had some major complications and don't know what the future holds for my baby and I, but it is people like you that make me stronger. I, like you, am so grateful families can be together forever and that someday we will all be reunited. What a blessing. You will definitely continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

Sincerely,

rachel.

Natalie. said...

Kristen,

oy. I really don't know what to say. I also live in fear for my living children, every sniffle I hear, every time they sleep in longer than usual, every time they cross the street. . .

it's really no way to live, is it?

n

Kristen said...

Well said.

I believe that faith can replace fear. Easier said than done, but I believe it. He's watching over us. I guess it's all about trusting that He knows best. I can trust one day at a time. Skipping today of course. I'm sure tomorrow will be another faith day. =o)

Gretchen said...

Natalie,
I miss that I never got to hold baby Gavin...
They call me Grandma Gretchen at Church because I am always looking to hold a new baby "for just a little while". And now I know why they smell so good, it is Heaven!
I love you all,
Gretchen

a mermaid said...

i love you

Anonymous said...

I can't imagine what you go through every hour of every day. I know nothing could ever make it better but reading this makes me want to pick up my baby and hold her tight. Thanks to you I won't take her for granted. I pray for you, I know you will be with him again one day.

kati said...

Natalie, I have followed your posts since the day after, it literally brought me to my knees. There was a beautiful poem by E.E Cummings, and it said, "I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart" and while I have never met you, I carry a piece of you and the memory of your son, every kiss I give my babies, every hug and every prayer. I don't know you but I send my love and thoughts to you. You will see him one day, and if I never get to hug you here on earth I will meet you there. All my love Natalie.

Michelle Bradley said...

Natalie, I have been reading your blog for a while now but have never commented. I am reading this and looking at your gorgous baby boy and crying. You have beautiful children. My daughter was born around the same time as Gavin. I was thinking about waiting to give her her shots until later. When I read your story I had her get the dtap as soon as I could get her there. Your ability to be genuine yet still look at the bright side is inspiring. No one should have to lose a child. I am praying for u and praying that the Lord gives you a sense of peace, contentment and a little bit of happiness everyday through the sorrow and pain. Xoxo all the way from Cali.

Amy B. said...

We just lost our niece and it's heart breaking...

Her Mom has said several times recently that I am so lucky to have my babies here with me...and I am...lucky...

Oh how my heart breaks for you!

I hope your pain lessens soon...

Angie Price said...

N ~ you are simply special. Boy, do I miss baby Gavin ... can't imagine how much you do, too. xo

Gina said...

Natalie.
And yet again. You've made me cry. You are SO strong...even in such tender and raw moments. You are my inspiration.
I cannot wait to meet you. Calgary cannot come soon enough! You are like a Hollywood Star ;)
Til then, I'll be praying for you.

Anthea said...

Ah, Nat, you are a precious, precious thing. Sending yet more love your way xxx

Summer's World said...

I've visited your post today three times trying to think of something to say to you... I've got nothing. Life isn't fair and that sure can suck. But, as you say, God is good.

Bridget said...

I, too, have pretended. My cousin's son is 2 weeks younger than my Evan. Over the past year and a half he has let me hold him on a few occasions. He's not really a huggy type of kid (he'll be 3 next month and is very busy), but he has been snuggly a few times for me. And then I go home and cry later for what could have been. But alas, it's not. And that's okay. God is good. He gave our family a personal connection to heaven.

heidi said...

he is sooo precious. how thankful are we for cell phone pictures? keep on keepin' on. heavenly father loves you.

Lali Johnson said...

This is a sad post but undeniably beautiful. You bear your soul and I'm so amazed at how pure you are. Tell me how you do it.

I lost one of my twins. I've been trying not to blame Heavenly Father. but, to be honest, how could he let me go through this? I have been through so much in my life (childhood abuse) that it's not fair!


Anyways, you are awesome!

stef j. said...

gosh nat you're beautiful. thank so so so much for existing. i'm glad God introduced us.

and i'm sad and sorry for your pain. i can't pretend to understand it, but know we still pray for you. and i love you.

Natalie. said...

Stef J. I was JUT thinking about you today. :) xx!

jefferies said...

So good and tough all in one little moment. I totally get that and I haven't been able to put it into words without feeling guilty, the way that you have. Thanks for always putting those words down just right.

Lindsay said...

You write your thoughts and feelings so beautifully! So beautiful, it makes me cry! You are a strong mother! Families are forever (aren't you so grateful for that?) you are amazing

Tasha said...

I can't stop the tears. You truly do give strength and inspiration when you share such personal thoughts with us, however heartbreaking they may be. Hugs. Big hugs.

Beth said...

This is beautiful. Thank u for sharing. Your story is incredibly touching, and such a reminder of what is going on here. Thank you for that reminder and for your honesty.

theresa said...

My heart is still breaking for you and I pray for strength and a blessing for you and your family. Continue staying strong and let it all out when you need to...remember you are never alone. Thank you for sharing yourself with us...you are truly beautiful xxx

Dawn said...

Natalie- I am so unbelivebly sorry you have to go through this. I *dream* of holding my Knox just one more time every single baby I hold.

My thoughts,

Dawn

Meloearth.com said...

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. It broke my heart to find this story just now. I don't even know how I found you. Oh, it was here (tab still open): http://www.hearblack.com/2010/08/083110.html

Please be well. Peace to you and your family...